Supermarkets

Supermarket shopping is my least favourite, yet most frequent, kind of shopping. I blame that squarely on other people. If you could book a time to shop alone, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But wait, you say, what about online shopping? You can do it from the comfort and solitude of your own home and don’t have to deal with anybody!

Yes, online shopping is a thing, but then you miss the in-store specials and clearance shelves. And you have to pay for delivery and be at home for the three hour delivery window and sometimes,  it still doesn’t come. Next minute, you’ve been on the phone to customer service 14 times, it’s almost midnight on a Tuesday, you’ve got no groceries and there’s a guy called Kevin offering to waive the delivery fee “next time you shop with us”. Jesus, Kevin, what kind of glutton for punishment do you think I am?

But, I digress.

Supermarket Assholes

Back to the supermarket. If you’re reading this, I’m pretty sure you’ll recognise most, if not all, of these characters. If none of these are familiar to you, please let me know where you shop. Not because I want to shop there- I don’t think for a second that you shop in some kind of paradise where people are unfailingly polite and civilised. It seems far more likely that you’ve never noticed these characters because you actually are one or more of them. I’ll just add your supermarket to my DO NOT SHOP HERE list!

The Aisle Hog

The Aisle Hog is the Paris Hilton of the supermarket. They wander around with one sole focus: themselves. Obviously, we are all there to buy what we want or need but the Aisle Hog will do so with a unique disregard for every other person in their local Woolies. He or she will meander down the aisle slowly, picking up this and reading the label on that. What sets the Aisle Hog apart is the way they walk down the centre of each aisle, inconveniencing other shoppers in both directions with zero fucks given.Before you know it, they’ll spot something of interest and lunge for it, turning their trolley on a diagonal. Being slightly paranoid, one hand will remain holding the trolley handle while the other picks up and item for perusal. The trolley is now blocking most of the aisle and their body, connected to said trolley, blocks the rest.

Suggested strategy: A little bit of trolley on trolley action and a cheery “‘SCUSE ME!” tends to jolt the Aisle Hog back into the real world long enough for you to get past.

The Queue Challenge Supermarket Warriors

These assholes are the kind of people who watch Ninja Warrior and criticise every contestant who doesn’t make it through the course. They’re the armchair experts who genuinely believe they could do a better job, due to a vastly inflated sense of their own speed and agility. This is why they complete approximately 1/3 of their shopping before joining the checkout queue. Once in position, they bolt off to retrieve a few items at a time. The more cunning warrior will leave a child with the trolley while they dash off for a packet of toilet rolls. The less cunning will just expect you to shuffle their cart forward every so often.

Suggested strategy: If there’s no child, do not, under any circumstances shuffle their trolley forward for them. Go around it. Make eye contact with the cashier if possible; they see this shit all the time and will commiserate. If the Warrior has left a child or children, it can be harder. You may have to go along with it but if they’re gone for ages, the cashier will likely tell you to start unloading your stuff. The world needs more excellent cashiers like this.

The Stock Stasher

You’re walking down the cereal aisle and there, in among the corn flakes and wheaties, is a room-temperature package of deli meat. Or, down the soft drink aisle, between some cola bottles, is a tray of raw chook. These are the assholes that I find most frustrating. They dump perishables all through the supermarket because they couldn’t be arsed returning them if they change their minds. I know this whole thing I’m writing is a litany of first world problems but the wastage shits me to tears. It costs the business, which helps drive up costs for other consumers. And, more than that- wasting food is criminal when so many are hungry.

Suggested strategy: If you actually catch a stasher in the act, adopt the US Homeland Security motto of ” If you see something, say something”. Loudly. Something like “YOO HOO! That raw mince goes over in the meat fridges, not there with the tinned soups, silly!”

The Checkout Shover

I hate shopping on busy days, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Queuing for ages sucks for everyone, but just be patient for that little bit longer. If my items are getting scanned and packed and I’m about to pay, BACK OFF and let me do it. I should not EVER feel your trolley against my behind. Nor should I need to shove it back towards you so that I can actually reach the EFTPOS machine. Trolleys are for shopping, not shoving into strangers.

Suggested strategy: Stand your ground and speak up if in danger of being bulldozed by someone’s cart.

The Trolley Dumper

These assholes are a problem as soon as you arrive. Their discarded shopping carts take up valuable car parks because they just couldn’t be arsed returning them. They can also be a problem once you’ve parked, because they let their trolley glide off into the wilderness, only to sideswipe your car.

Suggested strategy: Take your trolley back and lead by example. Alert staff about roving trollies in the car park using words like “damage” and “liability”. Worth a shot!

#IBOT @ Capturing Life.

Gifs via Giphy.

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  • Laughing so hard right now cause guess where I work? You have hit the nail on the head……
    I could add a few….but I’m not sure there’s enough room here!

    • I bet you could! I take my hat off to you, putting up with assholes all day!

  • Ha ha ha! Yeah, the perks of working from home – being available for online grocery delivery 😉. I rarely visit supermarkets if I can avoid it!

  • Seen them all. The aisle hog annoys me most. Also checkout staff who take stuff from further up the way which means the treadmill thingy doesn’t move forward so i can’t start unloading more of my stuff (impatient much deb?)

  • I did the shopping yesterday! I saw all these assh*les numerous times! There’s also the queue jumper who as your walking to the shortest queue suddenly darts in front of you to get there first.

    Ingrid
    http://www.fabulousandfunlife.blogspot.com.au

  • I am so wholly absorbed during the shopping process that I no longer notice these peeps. I am more worried about someone stealing my shopping (seen it happen many times), or the annoying convos from the sales assistants.

    • Hold up- people steal things from other peoples trolleys?!

  • I don’t think a supermarket visit goes by when I don’t meet one (or on a bad day, all of these types in the supermarket.) The aisle hog is the one that really ruffles my feathers though. It’s enough to make you want to resort to online shopping!

  • Oh my, I think you’ve just managed to list everything I hate about shopping!!! I am ruthless when it comes to aisle hogs and I have been known to move people’s trolleys for them while they are still holding them because seriously, how fucking hard is it to have your trolley out of the way while you stand and look! The trolley one really gets me too, I make a point of always returning my trolley to the bay, even going so far as to park as close to a bay as I can so it’s not so far to go. Why people are so damn lazy about returning trolleys I will never understand.

    Oh, and your opening bit about you being the asshole if you don’t see these assholes around reminds me of something one of the guys said on Survivor a few weeks back… “There’s always a dickhead in every room. If you look around the room and you can’t find the dickhead then you are the dickhead!”. Too true!

    • Bahahahaha the survivor guy is on the money!!

  • This is why I go on weekday evenings – so few people that the assholes are avoidable. I actually have more issues with one small selection of staff (now finally it got raised with the regional manager because I complained on FB – why does it have to be on SM before companies take complaints seriously? I told them in private many times…anyway that’s a different topic!) in my local store than the customers thankfully. Mind you, if I go to the same store but 2km away, it’s a different story. Lots of annoying customers.

    And my excuse me to the aisle hog is not cheery. It’s firm 🙂

    • It seems nothing is done unless you hit socials these days. So frustrating!

  • Yep. Yep. and More Yep. The supermarket trolley ones annoy me most I think…grrr how many times do I see a park, and then go ‘oh bugger’ cant park there. Bloody trolley. But I think i have found the best solution. Get cancer. Have surgery. Be unable to leave the house for 6 weeks. Yep. it is working really well. My hub is now doing the supermarket shopping and for the next….(x) years will continue to do so. Denyse. #teamIBOT

    • Silver lining indeed- though I wish you hadn’t gotten cancer in the first place <3

  • Yep, I hate the checkout shover!!! It’s the worst. Getting into my personal space is not going to make it go any faster. It’s just going to make it more uncomfortable for everyone involved.

    • Exactly- why do they want to be so bloody close?!

  • I’m really considering online shopping at the moment. I’ve just started working full time and I really don’t want to spend my precious time off dealing with these idiots (my language is far too delicate to use the word you used, but I fully agree with the sentiment!)

  • My partner was a serial trolley dumper before he met me, but I’ve changed him!