Have you just woken up for the first time in a couple of weeks? Are you wondering what all the fuss is about regarding the Australian census? Look no further, I’ve got you covered.

The Census Recap.

• The whole country is told they are supposed to access the same website all on the same night. Australia expresses concern, “We’ve got two words for you, ABS, two words!”, we say, “CLICK FRENZY. Yeah, do you remember how that went down?” The ABS does not appreciate our concerns. They are all like:  “OMG, chill the FUCK out, guys! Do you think we haven’t tested this?! We KNOW what we are doing! How about a little faith, yeah? We got this!”
• The ABS, while they’re at it, decide to keep the personal and identifying data of census respondents for…reasons. Richer data something. Nothing suspicious, no need for concern. Other agencies keep info! What?! Nothing to worry about! Nothing to see here, so move along!
• Australians (mostly) quit worrying about privacy laws and data security to focus on the real issues like the completely optional religious question.
• Census day. My facebook newsfeed is full of people who still haven’t received their login details in the post. Has the ABS mail room dropped the ball, here? Did they run out of stamps? People trying to call the hotline aren’t getting through. I guess they knew that when that hotline rings, it can only mean one thing. And frankly, it’s always awkward talking to someone who has questions you can’t answer. I’d have flipped on the recorded message as well.
  
• Census night comes and everyone has a go at logging in. Some of us get through. We get it done and marvel over the fact that the form recognised when we were entering details of children, and skipped the work and income questions accordingly, yet still asked if they were married. No, my 3 year old, as precocious as she is, has not yet been married. She is 3. Stop trying to give her a complex, ABS!
• Discussions abound among the few of us that got it done about the questions that weren’t asked. No real questions into disability. A missed opportunity on a host of questions.Nothing on pets. What about dominant hands? Favourite ice cream flavours? Preferred sides of the bed? This is the stuff that people will be anticipating in 99 years time when the census data becomes a free-for-all. What was great-great-grandma’s stance on reality TV? They’ll never know.
• For everyone else, computer said NO and the weight of confused Aussies panicking over the possibility of $180 a day fines managed to crush the phone help line as well. (Don’t worry, you’ve got until September 23rd and the fines are for people refusing to complete the census rather than those who bloody tried! They really did!)
• Because no one was busy with the census, they had plenty of time to revisit Little Britain, The IT Crowd and more to record the moment the census broke in meme and gif form.

• Just woke up to claims the census website was shut down when it was attacked by overseas hackers. Smug, completed-census feelings are dissipating at an alarming rate. The hackers will get in, see our salaries and how much rent we pay and then die of laughter. I hate to say we told you so, ABS!

How did you go? Could you log in?