I’m no fashionista, but I was pretty surprised to learn that Vogue magazine has declared that the humble bum bag is back in, well, vogue.

They key to the bum bag is apparently not to wear it too seriously and to wear it with a touch of irony. I know that by my mid-thirties, I should have some idea of how that sort of thing works, but I really don’t. What if you’re wearing a bumbag when someone brings up a serious topic, like the state of the economy or the best types of cheese ever? How do you maintain the air of not-really-serious? What if you’re at the local RSL and an eighties cover band starts playing and you’re having a blast- how do you maintain the whole “I’m wearing this ironically” thing?

According to my friend Hugzilla, the bumbag never went OUT of style– she’s been rocking one for years!

I imagine that these sorts of questions aren’t really a problem for many other people. You’re probably all walking around with your ironic bum-bags looking like fashion divas. I’m not even a little bit jealous because I’m figuring that if the bum-bag is back, it’s only a matter of time before some of my favourite fashions of the past are back on the runway. Here are the top 5 I want to see make a comeback in a big way:

The Power Suit.

Remember these? The trim skirt with the matching jacket, inspired by American football safety gear? Nothing says “I am woman, hear me roar!” like office wear that would allow you to safely shoulder-charge your colleagues. The added bonus is an easy game of grid-iron in your lunch break, because these days we are all about fitness and multitasking. Win win!

Like this, but with MUCH bigger shoulder pads!

The G-String hanging out of pants.

I’m pretty sure g-strings are still around. I was particularly fond of them in the 90’s when the idea of having a VPL (visible panty line) was simply outrageous. You couldn’t dress in such a way that implied you wore underwear. I forget why but I presume it was a dumb reason. This was followed by a trend where g-strings were decorated with bling and made to hang out the back of your pants. Yep, initially worn by the likes of teenage me to disguise the fact that I was wearing underwear, they quickly became a way to show the world exactly what sort of underwear you had on. I didn’t indulge in this trend, so I think it should come back immediately.

Why leave anything to the imagination?! This is MUCH more fun!

Crimped hair.

These days we spend so much time straightening hair with blow dryers or irons or using enormous Velcro roller things to give “natural” looking waves. You can spend a good hour or more trying to make your hair as naturally amazing looking as possible but I have to wonder- what the heck is the point? No one will know for sure how much effort went into it. So bring back the crimper, I say. Heating your hair into a totally unnatural pattern reminiscent of a cake of two minute noodles not only looks amazing but it’s a damn A+ for effort. Show you care, crimp your hair!

Vinyl Pants.

There were quite the thing about 15 or so years ago and much cheaper than leather. I had black ones and a pair in pink and black faux snakeskin because I was very stylish indeed. These need to make a comeback for men and women both. They are the ultimate pants to wear when you’re single. My theory being that people feel sorry for you, sweating away in your plastic trousers, and are much more disposed to invite you somewhere to take them off. Depending on your situation, these could be a handy tool for getting to know someone a little better, wink wink, nudge nudge.

The Bustle.

I can’t understand how this ever went out of style. I have been threatening to bring this one back myself for some time (to my children, because I’m creative in my punishments and so forth) but I’m hoping that the Fashion Gods may accidentally stumble on this blog and grant my wish. It’s not entirely impossible- lots of people hear the blog name and assume I am obsessed with handbags (I’m not.). Anyway, I’ve noticed the trend away from the uber-skinny, waif type look that was so popular when I was a teen. Models and celebrities aren’t always showing off their rib cages anymore and curvy is IN! But you know, some people are naturally slim. Some people, even curvier ones, are not blessed with an abundant arse like I have been. Why should they suffer from a flat bottom that leaves their pants slipping down? Because unless it’s to show off a bedazzled g-string, that’s just not okay! We need the return of the bustle to hold up pants everywhere for more than reasons of style alone. Science has shown us that women with big bums are more intelligent and produce smarter babies. So I’m thinking that this is a bit like the waist-training idea- wearing corsets to train the waist to be smaller, right? Maybe this could work as a bum-trainer, encouraging our bums to grow to make us all smarter. Of course, you’d have to couple it with an intense diet regime (no more carb-avoidance ladies, just think of your brains!) but it sounds (vaguely) logical to me.

If nothing else, perhaps it would be a nice counter balance to your bum bag?

Sure does!

Will you be rocking a bum bag this season?