Everyone has their own version of car park hell. That one car park they, for some reason, go to regularly. The place where no one else seems to understand the rules of the car park. Where car park etiquette has ceased to exist. The kinds of carparks where you’re lucky to leave with a ding or two and your sanity mostly intact.

OMG, YES THEY ARE.

“I refuse to follow the arrows.”

We have all encountered this person. You are driving up the aisle in the car park when this knucklehead makes a hard right directly into your path and starts coming at you. Then they get all exasperated because you are there, right where you actually should be. They’ve slowed down to gesticulate wildly and furiously at you but there is literally an arrow pointing toward their car. Why? Because they’ve charged down the aisle against the advice of the ‘No Entry’ sign and in flagrant disregard of said arrows. You squeeze by each other, each baffled by the other’s annoyance. The person who can’t follow arrows is dangerous by virtue of their belief that the rules don’t apply to them.

“I’ll park where I want, because fuck you, that’s why!”

This person can probably follow the arrows. What they can’t figure out is the lines that mark the spots. There may be a row of marked spots, full of cars. The end of the row is clearly a thoroughfare to most people but not to this guy. This guy sees it as an opportunity. If the stream of traffic is trickling through the car park, there’s a good chance it’s because this dingbat has parked in a non-spot, meaning everyone has to slow down even further and squeeze past. This guy doesn’t give a fuck who he inconveniences, so long as he gets a spot not too far from the doors. He will take any opportunity to be a bit of a prick in a car park, including parking his car over two spaces or parking in spaces clearly marked as non-spaces. Because fuck you, that’s why.

“I will swipe your park.”

She’s cunning, this one. She will even become the non-arrow-follower temporarily, so she can swoop in and grab the spot you’ve been patiently waiting for. Your indicator flashing and position mean nothing to her. Nothing but a challenge. You may have done 46 laps waiting for a spot to come up but she has eyes like a hawk. An evil, park-stealing hawk that preys on unsuspecting car park users. She will zoom into your spot without so much as looking at you. If you try to point out what she did, you’ll get the “Fuck You!” you’d expect before she walks away.

“Return my trolley? What the fuck does that even mean?”

Just about every car park has trolley return bays dotted all through it. It takes 30 seconds to run it back to one of those. Tops. But some people don’t seem to know about this and instead, they dump their trolley, you know, wherever. In an empty parking space. In a thoroughfare. Pressed up against your actual parked car. Some go to the effort of yanking their trolley (those things are heavy) up into those little garden beds that surround some outdoor car park areas. That is a baffling waste of effort, in my opinion. Just park your damn trolley appropriately. Easier, simpler and doesn’t irritate or inconvenience anyone else. It’s not fucking brain surgery.

“I treat car parks like footpaths.”

This list would not be complete without mention of the people walking through to get back to their cars. Or who just decide to walk through car parks and treat them as if they are quiet, uninterrupted footpaths you can dawdle on while mentally off in your own little word. Take note, day dreamers and people who walk while staring at phones: car parks are bloody dangerous for people like you. I have reversed out of a car spot only to have someone wander out behind me from around a corner. I hit the breaks as soon as I saw them, heart pounding. They strolled on, oblivious and gazing at their mobile. Fucking hell, people! I don’t want to hit anyone with my car, ever! Help me out here and make that an easy goal to achieve, eh?

What drives you bonkers in car parks?

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  • Happy Go Travel

    LMFAO, I know all these arseholes. Great read, absoulutly love it.

  • A) a legit question I’ve always had: why is the one place all drivers turn into pedestrians SO pedestrian-unfriendly?! WHY?
    B) I’m more PO’d recently at the pricks who are speeding (and I don’t mean going 10km/hr instead of 5 km/hr) in the carparks. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

  • Lauren Threadgate

    Ugh my husband has a 4wd and parks wherever he wants. The tar and lines are just a suggestion to him… sooooo embarrassing!

  • Mel Roworth

    All of the above!

  • I hate car parks, especially at Christmas. People have gone mad!

  • My husband drives me bonkers in car parks because he has a Hyundai that he thinks is a Ferrari. He is so precious about parking it, he drives for hours (that’s what it seems like anyway) to find a spot with no cars (or failing that, no big cars) near it. Add to that the arrow defiers, the spot swipers, the trolley traitors and the peeps who think the car park is a footpath and it all gets a bit much… So we leave the car at home and get public transport instead. LOL! You’ve totally nailed it!

    • Hahaha, getting the bus would be infinitely more preferable, I don’t blame you!

  • OH MY GOD!!! The non trolley returner pisses me EVERY TIME!!!! Can’t believe the I’ll park where I want guy, how does the car even do that!!

    • I had to include that gif. I’m utterly fascinated by it!

  • Oh the last one! This totally gets my goat! Why do people seriously walk directly behind reversing cars??? What the???

  • jess

    Haha, totally experienced all of these. My husband is a big abuser of the stranded trolley technique.

  • The park swiper! Grrrr! Then they look at you like all “what?”. I took on a Big W worker last year who flogged my park. It was a show down that I was so proud of… not that I won but I did get another park straight after.

    • Good on you! I did it by accident once and when the lady called to me, I was so mortified. I hadn’t seen her there! So I went to move my car but luckily she scored a spot next to me and we had a laugh about it.

  • EVERYTHING drives me bonkers in car parks. In the immortal words of Chisel: “Car parks make me jumpy.”

    I cannot stop laughing at your commentary of the guy who parked his car half-way up a wall. Dick. x

    • Much easier to shop online. It’s a sanity saver!

  • Yes, to ALL of this!!! ALL OF IT!!!! I have to go to the shops (Penrith Westfield, kill me now!) tomorrow for my last-minute Christmas stuff and I am dreading this, dreading this! I HATE people who walk through car parks without a thought to the fact that if they just walked a half-meter to the left I could drive past them rather than having to look like a weirdo stalker following them at 2kms/hr! I especially hate people who don’t follow the arrows and think they don’t apply to them, and people who can’t bloody park straight, especially at very busy times, where I have to risk them damaging my car when they come back to theirs. These are the cars that I don’t take particular care of when getting the kids in and out. If they are too shit to be able to park straight and within the lines then I don’t care if I have to push my car door up against their car so I can get my child out, it’s their own stupid fault for not bothering to straighten up and be between the lines! Grrr, you shouldn’t have got me started, lol!

    Have a fabulous Christmas, Amy and thank you for being part of IBOT this year xx

    • Oh yes, I know those types. Bugger the lines, I’ll park wherever and who cares it it causes a problem for others!
      You have a great Christmas too and thanks for hosting!

  • I’ve had some tense moments in car parks of late. So much car park rage going on right now. All of these get my goat, especially the ones that will swipe your park and couldn’t give a rats. #teamIBOT

    • Amazing how much rage the holiday season induces!

  • Lol! I hate them all…and I so agree with you. Once, some years ago when I used to work in Bankstown, I witnessed two ladies having a massive fight at Centro about one stealing the other’s carpark…it was quite funny but they were also holding up a lot of traffic as a result. Oh and it was just before the Christmas weekend…you know, when everyone thinks the shops shutting for a day is like the apocalypse is coming!

    • They sure do! Can’t go a day without woolies, right?! 😂

  • Oh man, that is a whole other post right there, I hear you!

  • What drives me crazy is that even at the busiest time of year, my husband still manages to get a park within approx 5 minutes. He turns up, and the nearest car just leaves. Every. Single. Time. He has the most outstanding parking mojo. I do not.