Crystals HERE, Crystals THERE, Crystals, Crystals, Everywhere!

Okay, this is getting out of hand. So much magic rock fuckery is appearing in my social feeds and it’s starting to get me hot under the collar. I do not ‘like’ or ‘follow’ crystal healing pages. Shocking, I know!

The reason I am getting flooded with crystal propaganda, I think, is because the shills for Big Crystals tend to target their advertising at a certain demographic. My demographic. Women of a certain age. Apparently, we all like pretty rocks. I mean, that’s kinda fair. I do like pretty rocks. But I don’t like being sold overpriced pretty rocks that come with a lot of bullshit promises.


Crystals in your vag- the “yoni egg”

Crystals: Screenshot from Goop on facebook sharing an article about Jade vagina eggs

Arguably made famous by Gwyneth Paltrow, these egg-shaped crystals are meant to be popped inside the vagina. For reasons. I take any Gwyneth-endorsed vagina advice with a healthy dose of side-eye.


This is she of the enthusiastic reviews of vagina steaming, after all.

Here’s a little science-fact for you: You do not need to put crystals inside your vag for optimum health. Billions of healthy vaginas, attached to healthy humans, exist entirely free of crystals/rocks/pebbles/stones/bricks/lumps of cement and other associated very hard substances.

Crystals in your drinks

Crystals: A clear drink bottle with a purple crystal inside it

From healing crystal infused sparkling drinks (with all kinds of interesting claims on the labels) to actual water bottles containing pretty rocks, there’s apparently quite the market here.


I read a review on goop, where an employee tried out an $80USD crystal drink bottle. She said she had no other way to explain her sudden productivity at work- must have been the magic bottle balancing her energies. No other explanation? Seriously? Like, maybe you just got your shit together? How ever do I manage to focus and get shit done working 12 hour shifts without a shiny rock in my water bottle?!

I’ll tell you how. Caffeine. It’s caffeine. Maybe so-called healing crystals are full of that?

Crystals on your face

Crystals- pictured is a rose quartz "facial roller" and text claiming it helps the skin

Apparently, these are now a thing. For the bargain price of $60, you can have a magical rock on a stick to rub on your face. Why on earth would you do that? Why, to reduce puffiness and inflammation, of course!

Never mind that expensive botox or night cream. Bin it all. Just take your trusty rose quartz and rub it on your crow’s feet. Just wait and see!  VOILA! NOTHING HAPPENS! You are just $60 poorer and have rubbed a rock on your face! Magical!

If you have ethical concerns (outside of companies charging people $60 for a rock on a stick), never fear! These ones are “sustainably harvested”. What does that even mean? Do the miners carry sacks of yoni eggs to place in the quartz-nests to hatch more? Are they actually crystal farmers? What does it even mean? Nothing like a few buzz-words to sell

A Word of Caution

Shockingly, there is no evidence that crystals can treat any medical condition. Maybe, though, you don’t care about evidence and you just want all the crystals. You want them up in your bits and beverage receptacles; you just wanna rub them on your face. Your choice, of course. If you have the cash to splash, who am I to tell you how to do it? Knock yourself out! (I mean that figuratively but if you want to go all literal, there’s an actual use for large rocks!)


All I have to say is this: don’t get confused and dazzled by the brilliance of all your pretty, sustainably-sourced magic crystals. They might not actually work to treat medical conditions, but treat them like you would the real deal and don’t use them when you’ve had a few chardonnays.

You do not want to end up in the ED, getting your crystal roller removed from your vagina while sipping from a drink bottle that is mistakenly housing your yoni egg as you rub your drink bottle crystal on your face. Awkward.

Like it? Share it!