Moving house is always kind of hideous. All that packing, shifting, cleaning- not to mention the money! It costs a bomb in terms of cash and effort, no matter what you do. With that in mind, please extend your sympathies as I move house for the 14th time in 18 years, 2 weeks before Christmas, as a full-time shift worker with zero time off.
This is not my first right-before-Christmas house move. It is my second. And this one, because of my shift patterns, is much worse, timing-wise. My initial idea of burning everything and starting fresh was rejected, for some reason. Instead, we have been slowly sorting out the house, culling all the crap we’ve accumulated and giving the usable stuff to the charity shop.
Tedious doesn’t begin to describe it. Packing, in short, is a horrendous chore. It’s boring, never-ending and hurts your back after a while. Your house looks like a cardboard-encased war-zone and you are constantly annoyed at yourself for packing stuff you still actually need.
I have been wracking my stress-riddled brain to find a way to make it less horrendous. But, I’ve had an idea.
Gang, I give you *drumroll* Drunk Packing!
In theory, this seems like the perfect solution. Combining a hated but necessary chore with something fun like a few drinks to take the edge off. What could possibly go wrong?
- You get right in to the music you’ve put on. You sing along and you’re pretty sure that you sound great.
- Dropping boxes full of breakables is hilarious instead of worrying.
- You throw out or decide to donate more stuff than you ordinarily would.
- You have deep and meaningful conversations at the same time. Multitasking!
- You can fashion a cool holster for your packing tape gun out of- you guessed it- packing tape!
- Drinking while packing means sitting in one place (the floor) and having others bring you things to stick in boxes.
- Several drinks in, people will stop expecting you to actually pack. Winning!
- Once this has happened, the only thing left to do is nap!
Sounds like a great idea, right? However, there are some small flaws to my plan.
- Potential noise complaints from neighbours who don’t appreciate your musical taste and/or abilities.
- Broken stuff that may be problematic and/or expensive to replace once you are sober.
- You can’t legally drive your donations to the charity shop.
- You’re easily distracted.
- Making a tape holster, depending on your sobriety levels, can be tricky and see you lying on the floor in a tangle of tape, awaiting rescue.
- You have to keep stopping to get another drink or to pee.
- The other people doing the packing, like your partner, will laugh at you, then become exasperated with you.
- It’s difficult to put things in boxes if the room is spinning even slightly.
- You’ll probably make a mess.
- You’ll get that nap, but afterwards? You’ll never hear the end of it.
I think I have explored this option thoroughly, in theory. There is still the possibility that drunk packing is a good idea. What’s needed is real research. A case study, at the very least. I am seriously considering putting my liver on the line in this experiment. Selflessly testing the hypothesis for the greater good, to determine whether or not getting slightly sloshed makes packing up a 5 bedroom house any easier or more bearable.
You know, for science.
Anyone want to mind the kids while I try it out?