The Toilet Paper Dystopia

We are currently living in an alternate reality where people are fighting it out over the humble bog roll. No one really knows why the prospect of a virus not unlike the flu is inspiring such desperation. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. We know we might be faced with a couple of weeks quarantine and that we will therefore require 17 rolled of TP per person, per day. Or something. For reasons. Not sure. But everyone else is doing it. Maybe we’re gonna have to eat it?

Are you caught up in the toilet paper panic? Wondering what sort of toilet paper alternative is out there as you stare in dismay at the empty shelves? Are you wondering how your family will polish their posteriors if the pandemic hits? Look no further, Aunty Amy has your back (or behind, if you prefer!)

Never fear! You can still clean your rear!

My first thought was extra showers or getting creative with the garden hose, but we’re technically still on water restrictions, so I had to think outside of that particular square.

There are plenty of toilet paper alternatives that you might not have considered. Things you can easily stock up on, wipe with and dispose of without a care in the world. They might not be as soft as your usual 4-ply, shea-butter-infused, scented-core selection, but damn, some of these are gonna be satisfying.

Toilet Paper Alternative #1- Certain Newspapers

I know a few people who have a regular loo paper delivery through Who Gives A Crap. They get regular supplies, delivered to their door. But even they ran out of stock due to unprecedented demand. I bet the Daily Terrorgraph isn’t having the same problem, so why not have a fresh batch delivered daily?

Toilet Paper Alternative #2- Books by Awful Politicians

If you’re thinking of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf”, you’re on the right track. But that’s not readily available these days (because it’s not only appalling in subject matter but terribly written, too) Don’t despair, though. I frequently see titles like “Battle Lines” by Tony Abbott on the mark-down tables in stores. Pauline Hanson has an autobiography called “Untamed and Unashamed” and even Donald Trump has one out called “Great Again”. Any of these would do the trick. Special mention goes to “Conversations in the Kitchen- Good food, great friends” by Mark Latham and Alan Jones. I recommend buying second hand or heavily discounted- we don’t want to accidentally give them our hard earned dollars!

Toilet Paper Alternative #3- Unwanted Correspondence

Why not find a way to use those “to the home owner” letters that real estate agents drop off, wanting to sell your house? Or those letters from political candidates you’d never vote for that appear around election time? If only I’d known this was coming, I could have kept the nasty pamphlets that circulated before the marriage equality plebiscite. Imagine the satisfaction of wiping your butt and saying “Take THAT, homophobic bigots!”

Toilet Paper Alternative #4- Unwanted Religious Handouts 

I once took a copy of The Watchtower just to make the Jehovah’s Witnesses go away. I’d answered the door thinking they were going to be an expected guest and didn’t want to be rude. It went straight to the recycling. I am all for being respectful of a person’s right to a religion, but I’m not okay with people bringing it to my door or throwing pamphlets at me in public. Now, at least, there’s a viable use for such things, amirite?! 

Toilet Paper Alternative #5- Junk Mail

I have a ‘no junk mail’ sign on my letter box that deters absolutely no one. I admit, the shiny paper used in catalogues isn’t ideal, but these are trying times and we just gotta make do.

In all seriousness….

Don’t wipe your butt with paper unless you’re gonna not flush said paper. Or tissues, wipes etc. it’s gonna clog your loo. The Plumbette has worked out a method for if you actually can’t get any toilet paper. You can totally integrate my suggestions here, if only to get those second-hand Latham/Jones cook books out of circulation.

And for goodness sake, don’t buy more than you need. Don’t get into literal fisticuffs or be such a dick that the police have to be called. It’s toilet paper, people. C’mon. Restore my faith in human decency and stop being such mindless, greedy, selfish twits over a packet of bog roll. If you have a packet, you have enough. Don’t deprive others who might not be able to stockpile like you. You’ll sleep much better at night, knowing you didn’t go viral online because you got into a brawl over a packet of Quilton.