My Facebook feed is peppered with alcohol-related products aimed at women and it’s not because all my friends are boozed-up degenerates like I may have initially assumed- sorry, gang.

It seems like the people hawking these products simply target women of a certain age group. The women often juggling kids and work or other shit that keeps us in a state of stress and irritation of varying levels. It’s the supposedly light-hearted solution to everything. Just have a glass of pinot or 6 and watch your stresses melt away! Right?


Wine Bangle.

This unsubtle accessory is a metal, donut-shaped flask you are meant to wear around your wrist. You can fill it with just under a standard drink’s worth of wine. Just unscrew the giant cap and pour or sip! This suits the fashion-conscious woman who needs a little something to fortify her at the next PTA meeting or the executive type that needs to take the edge off at the office. So many applications!


Scarf Flask.

Perfect for the winter months but still useful in spring, this plastic bladder sits in the folds of your favourite scarf. Team it with your wine bangle and you’re ready to face the day. It has a convenient straw for ease of sipping. This is handy for drinking on the go. Way to take the edge off grocery shopping, am I right?


Wine Handbag.

Forget the flask scarf and wine bangle, this is for serious wine fans. Why pay pub or club prices? These stylish handbags allow you to buy your favourite box of wine to fill your handbag. A hidden tap means your purse is your secret weapon for hidden top ups. I mean, who doesn’t need 2 bottles of wine to make it through a boring work lunch?


Wine Bra.

This is a sports bra that comes with a hidden bladder that you fill with your favourite wine. Because who can get through a spin class or jog without a drink? This particular product comes with a few dilemmas. Being worn so close to the body means your wine will warm up fast. But drinking it quickly means your chest will deflate. What a quandary.


Australia and Booze.

Australian society is more than accepting of drinking. It’s practically a national past-time. We drink to celebrate, to commiserate and even to re-hydrate (so we tell ourselves in summer). We drink at special breakfasts (bubbles and OJ on Christmas morning, anyone?), we hang out for lunch because its socially acceptable to wash it down with a beer and the after-work drink is a time-honoured tradition. When it comes to booze, we have a hugely liberal society. I mean, for Pete’s sake, we are the nation that came up with the shoey. We are that pissed half the time that drinking beer out of our shoes has become a totally acceptable way to celebrate a monumental achievement!


It also can’t be ignored (though it often is) that alcohol kills thousands of us every year. Accidents, heart disease and even cancer are all booze-related ways to kick the bucket, not that anyone wants to think too deeply about that. Let’s not even get into the other other problems that booze contributes to in our society, right? Because drinking out of a wine bangle is just so fun!

I’m no exception; I like a drink as much as the next Aussie. I just wonder at the seemingly sudden onslaught of grog-smuggling accessories I’m seeing everywhere.

Food for thought.

In a country where drinking is so ingrained and socially acceptable, do we really need products to smuggle alcohol? I mean, I get the tightarse aspect. It’s much cheaper to fill your accessories with booze than to pay bar prices. Keep in mind, though. that it’s also undoubtedly embarrassing as hell to get escorted out of a bar because security spotted you topping up your chardonnay from your bra.


We already have annual events that make world news because how trashed we get. From the Melbourne Cup to the Deniliquin Ute Muster, our devotion to public drunkenness is already out there. Do we really need to be armed with hidden booze at any given moment? I know the marketing gurus behind the idea that women need accessories to hide alcohol in might hate me for saying this, but here goes: If you live in Australia and you manage to find a rare social event or situation where drinking is frowned on, it might be an idea to go along with it. It’s not like there’ll never be another opportunity.


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