A little over a year ago, I spoke to my friend Amber* about what it was like to be a submissive in a Dom/sub relationship. The resulting interview, 7 Questions with a Submissive, has been searched for and read thousands of times now. This week, I’m following up with Master Tony, the Dom half of Amber’s relationship. He gives us an insight into life and relationships from a Dom perspective.

It’s important to remember that a true Dom/sub relationship is consensual and entered into freely.  It might not be the lifestyle for me, personally, but I have learned a lot about it from both Amber and Tony and I can see how important that consent is. What also surprised me was learning that it’s not all about pleasing the Dom. In fact, the Dom, even though they demand obedience, must be focused on the needs and enjoyment of the sub partner. Interesting!

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Some weeks, I struggle to read and watch the news.

It’s pretty heavy-going. Wars, tragedies, horrific acts of violence, abuse and so many people in need. I know that I can just turn it off and that in itself makes me very, very privileged. At the press of a button, I can bury my head in the sand. I can literally opt out of all the news I don’t want to hear to avoid the distress. It’s tempting; they do say that ignorance is bliss. I think it’s okay to take a little time out from things if you need to, but I know that it doesn’t actually help matters long-term. I want to be able to help but so many problems in the world leave me feeling powerless. And that is not a good feeling.

Being Able to Help.

When you find out that there is something you can help with, it gives you a little hope. And that’s exactly what I’ve found by coming into contact with Rochelle Courtenay. Words like “empowering” and “inspirational” are usually not in my vocabulary. I find that they are often over-used and wasted on people that aren’t worthy of them. In the case of Rochelle Courtenay, however, I have to make an exception because she is more than worthy. Here’s a woman who became aware of a problem and decided to do something about it. Not only did she do something about it, she’s made it easy for other people to get on board and help. Share the Dignity, the charity Rochelle has founded, allows us to help women in need. You can donate money, like any regular charity, but the point of difference with not-for-profit group Share the Dignity is that they also collect useful items. You can actually give someone exactly what they need.

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I have a dream…

Ever had that dream, the one where you’re giving a speech and you look down and realise you’re naked? I have. I’ve had another one, slightly different each time, that has recurred for years. I’ve dreamed that I’m absolutely busting to go to the toilet. I race around, but bathrooms are hard to find in these dreams. I eventually find one and sit down in relief. But the relief is very short lived when I realise the walls have fallen away or the door is wide open and out of reach.

I wake up from these feeling awful. The idea of going to the toilet in front of people makes me feel extremely vulnerable, exposed and humiliated. I’m lucky, though. I wake up from these dreams into a very different reality, with a choice of two bathrooms right here in my house. It’s easy to take that for granted.

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Have you ever started a book that you know is going to be hard on you? One that you know you’ll identify with but you know is going to make old hurts into fresh wounds again? That’s how I felt about Without My Mother. I also knew I very much wanted to read it because knowing I would identify with it seemed more important than how much it might hurt.  I was also lucky enough to catch up with the author, Leigh Van Der Horst, who told me a bit about her process in writing this book.

 

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