Him: The first thing I’d like to say is I can’t believe you’re still single. You’re gorgeous, intelligent, with a lovely voice. You’re so amazing; I can’t believe you’re single. I feel so lucky to have found you! | Wow! I think he really likes me! I’m so flattered. | Oh shit. Again with this? |
Jude: Thank you. I would like you to consider the assumption behind that. | Stop! Don’t say that! Give him the benefit of the doubt! | Groan. Here I go again – I gotta do this. At least he’ll think twice before using that line again. |
Him: What’s that?
| | |
Jude: You seem to think that the reason I’m single is because no man has noticed I’m a good catch. Like you’re asking how it could be that all these men in my life have just passed me by, without picking me up off the shelf, as though I have no say in it at all. | Don’t say that to the poor bloke, he’s just giving you a compliment.
You’re ruining your chances with him here. He really likes you! How long have you been looking for someone? Shush girl.
| I can’t believe how often I have to say this.
I can’t believe that no man has ever asked what I’m looking for that I haven’t yet found, instead of this.
|
Him: I didn’t mean it like that, you’re misunderstanding me. I’m just amazed you’re still single. I supposed I should have just asked why. | Of course he didn’t mean it like that, it’s a compliment, just take it that way. | Maybe he didn’t mean it like that, it’s a compliment, just take it that way. |
Jude: Well I’m single because I haven’t met anyone I wanted to spend my life with yet. | That’s better. | It’s the truth. |
(We talk a bit about what we liked in each other’s profiles.)
| Try to get him to like you again. Don’t lose him. | Giving him a chance. |
Him: God, I love your voice. I can tell so much about you from your voice. Your profile was so great, you look gorgeous and it’s so fantastic to hear your voice as well – I can tell so much about you from your voice. Want to know what I can tell? | He’s really paying attention to me; he is interested in so much more than just the way I look. | This is an interesting approach. |
Jude: Sure. | | |
Him: Well you are clearly a strong woman; I can hear the depth and the resonance in there. And there’s a vulnerability under that too, a softness, which is really appealing, you don’t often see that together, that strength and vulnerability. And you’re intelligent as well; I can tell by the way you communicate. It’s a really rare, and attractive combination. There’s also a slight reservation there. | Wow. He really ‘sees’ me, it’s like he’s looking into my soul. He’s so right! After all these years, he might finally be “The One”!
| *Eyeroll* |
Jude: Well thank you, but I know a lot of women like that actually, who combine intelligence, strength and vulnerability. | Don’t say that! Keep him thinking you’re special, that you’re different to other girls. Stop talking, sshhh. | Wonder how often he’s used this line? I think it would work on some women. |
Him: Oh I don’t, hardly any. The women on these sites aren’t like that at all, but you just jumped right out at me. I knew you were special. | You haven’t screwed up yet girl. Just keep it light and easy. | He might be clumsy in the way he says it, but it’s true it’s hard to meet people online. |
Jude: Anyway I think I know what you mean; I’m not meeting any interesting men online either.
| That’s good, keep going, make him feel like he’s special too. | True enough. |
Jude: Does your work have something to do with the voice? I’m curious about this emphasis. | Nice step, ask about his work. | Let’s dig a little here. Find out whether this is a tactic. |
Him: No, it’s just that I’m a highly sensual person. I don’t mean sexual, though I am that too and could never be with a woman who doesn’t like a lot of sex, I mean sensual. All of the senses, including sound, including voice. I pay attention to you with all my senses and you have a very sexy voice. | See, he is forthright and open about his needs and desires, his focus with his partner. It’s not all about sex with him; he enjoys using all his senses. | It’s a little early to bring up sex, but appreciate the openness. |
Him: There’s another thing that’s really important to me, and that is openness. I’m sensing a little reservation with you. | He is very observant, as well as self-aware? He knows what he needs in his partner and he can sense the reservation. | Second time he’s mentioned this reservation. I shall pursue it this time and see what happens. |
Jude: Sure, we’ve only just started talking, and I don’t know much about you yet. | Shy is good. | I’ll share what I’m thinking, see what happens. |
Him: (raises voice) I want a relationship based on openness and I got the feeling that you did too, you say pretty much that in your profile, which you did write yourself, didn’t you? I think you did. I don’t understand why you’re reserved? Why not be open and spontaneous with me?
| He’s raising his voice! Oh no! You’ve gone too far. Back down, now. | Wow this escalated quickly. Stay calm... Hang on; he doubts whether I wrote my own profile? Hmm. Maybe he didn’t actually right his. It might explain the many spelling and grammatical errors in our initial emails compared with his profile. |
Jude: I have a natural reservation at this stage of getting to know someone; I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve met 100 men and none have been interesting yet. And given I barely know you; I think it’s reasonable to be reserved at this stage. | Speak slowly and clearly, calm him down. | Speak slowly and clearly, calm him down. You don’t want to ruin a good weekend right? Keep it cool. |
Him: Well if you have that kind of cynicism you shouldn’t be on this site. You should be completely open to whatever comes along, like I am doing. You might have had some bad experiences but you should approach me completely openly. I’m not like other men. | Quickly - figure out what he means by openness and give him that. | Seriously dude? I’ve spoken to you for five minutes and I’m supposed to somehow have intuited that you’re the love of my life already? You have my truth. That’s enough. |
Jude: How am I supposed to know that you’re not like other men? I don’t understand why you’re telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. How do I know this isn’t a spiel you give all the girls? | If you let him know what you need you could lose him. | How can a ~50 year old man not be able to understand these basic life issues? |
Him: You’ll be alone forever; you know that? | You’re losing him! Quick, pull out all the stops! Bring him back somehow! | Oh dude, get a grip. |
Jude: I think that’s the end of this conversation. | You’re bailing too early. This is salvageable. | I’ve wasted enough time on this one. |
Him: You’re accusing me of behaving this way with lots of women; I’m not like that. | Did I accuse him? Oh no, I don’t think I did? | That’s not what I said. |
Jude: I didn’t say that, I don’t know you. I’m trying to explain why I am reserved. I think we have different definitions of openness here. | OK, turning things around. | Learn something here, mister. |
Him: You are so rude. You’re unbelievable. Sure, hang up on me, go on. | Am I rude? Oh no, what did I say? | I’m rude? That’s rich. |
Jude: Explaining my reservation is not rude. Telling me I’ll be alone forever is. | You’re not helping things. | Ooh, nice line, girl. |
Him: Yes I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry. | See, he can be reasonable. | Am I detecting a modicum of sentience? I’m surprised he can do that, given his anger. Must be a frequent state for him. |
Jude: In any case I think we have different definitions of openness and it is clear from this conversation that we aren’t a match. I’m going to hang up now. | You’ve lost him I think. You idiot. He could have been The One. | My heart is beating too fast and this has stuffed up my day but just maybe I’ve given him something to think about. |
Him: Whatever. | | |