Manshoosh: Shut Your Mouth!

Manshoosh!

Manshoosh is a new, natural approach to men’s health and well being. The primary ingredient is a natural amino acid, found in high concentration in the brains of people known to be extremely logical and reasonable; the kind of people that ooze common sense. This amino acid, combined with natural oils, represent a revolutionary product for men.

This product is safe and secure for the user. When applied to a man’s lips, it creates a temporary seal that prevents him from spouting ridiculous ideas about the female body. Our aim is to use technology to improve the lives of men who would otherwise earn the ire of women everywhere for their ignorance and arrogance.

Mensez.

It was inspired by a product proposed by a male chiropractor who thinks he’s found a solution to managing menstruation. He came up with a similar type of glue to seal the vagina during menstrual periods. The glue would dissolve on contact with urine, meaning each bathroom visit would result in the release of trapped blood and the attempted reapplication of vagina glue. I guess you’d just turn your period off while you cleaned up and reapplied. Because that’s a thing women can do.

There are so many reasons that this is a bad idea. The fact that women don’t urinate from their vaginas was the first one that occurred to me. What if you couldn’t manage to get enough urine to make contact with the glue to break it down? Would you simply explode?

Bad Information.

I’m not sure where the inventor, Dan Dopps, is getting his information. He likens this product to “potty training” for the menstrual flow, as if gluing your labia together will somehow teach your body to hold in your menstrual flow until you get to the loo. Uh, no. Again, that’s not how this works, Dan! Dan also says that the compounds in his vagina glue replicate “natural, protective bodily compounds” that women previously had to help them manage menstruation. Apparently, we don’t have them anymore, thanks to modern bathing habits. Perhaps he’s reading different history books to me? I don’t believe that, historically, women didn’t have to worry about periods because they didn’t bathe as often, causing their vagina to become naturally glued shut.

Mensez: Like waking with your lips stuck together. SO FUN.

SO MUCH FUN!

I checked out the Mensez Facebook page before it vanished, and saw Dan Dopps referring to “diapers and plugs” and claiming women are distracted by their period up to “25% of the time”. He thinks gluing the vagina closed is a safe, healthy and clean way for us women to deal with our periods. To me, it sounds like a recipe for infection, not to mention the potential for a bad reaction.

We aren’t even supposed to use soaps down there for that reason. The idea of a glue that requires ammonia to break it down? On all that foldy skin? The list in my head, titled “Things that could go wrong if I glued my vagina shut”, just keeps growing and growing. He knows we already have tampons, pads, “vag cups” and period panties. But hey, he previously invented a bottle capping system or something. Combine that with his chiropractic studies and he is clearly more qualified that we are to deal with our periods, right?

The Mensez Mansplain.

Staring at the Mensez logo, I wondered if the designer (and I use that term loosely) had a sense of humour when they inverted a love heart over the word “Mensez”. I know the website claims it’s a play on the word “menses” but, with a logo that looks like a line drawing of a pair of testicles, it’s hard not to take the whole thing as the ultimate mansplain.

Here’s a guy, who doesn’t appear remotely qualified in this field, trying to make money of a product that makes no sense to anyone who actually menstruates. He’s telling people who actually have periods that gluing their vaginas closed is a safe and viable solution. It would have taken him about 10 minutes of combined internet research and conversing with an actual vagina owner to realise this was a bad idea.The information he’d need (like a chart showing where the urethra is, for example) is freely available online or in any library. The fact that he doesn’t appear to have bothered speaks of a high level of arrogance and willful ignorance.

Where Manshoosh comes in.

The reactions I saw online were incredulous and disbelieving at first. Surely this was an elaborate troll or some form of satire? When it appeared to be sincere, I started to wonder what could be done. Making information accessible and freely available hadn’t helped. Having half the population biologically female, meaning there was a great chance of him actually talking to someone who menstruates, hadn’t worked.

The only thing left to do is to take a leaf out of Dan’s book. A glue for men like him, to help prevent them from actually uttering such ridiculous ideas in the first place. This product could replace things like tapes and gags and help men to stop being distracted 25% of the time by ill-formed ideas they insist on sharing. I’m proposing that Manshoosh work in the same way as Mensez; keeping the lips sealed until the bond is dissolved by urine. This chemical reaction is further explained by a strange analogy on the Mensez website about makeup, mirrors and ammonia. The Mensez website assures me this is safe, assuming one uses it correctly. I mean, sure, it’s not without risk if you don’t follow the instructions to the letter.

However, men have the luxury of a “point and shoot” approach when it comes to urination. They should be able to get out of any sticky situations they might accidentally encounter. Breaking the seal, once the urge to spout ridiculous bullshit about women’s bodies has passed, should be simple enough, don’t you think?