This is the final countdown to Christmas, a time of year when everyone is in a mad scramble to buy a Christmas gift for relatives they hardly see, co-workers drawn out of a hat, frazzled teachers, partners, kids, dogs and everyone in between.

Some people are really excellent at gifts. Some are mediocre at best. Other people really, really suck. So I have compiled my top 5 suggestions for those of you that really suck, because, let’s face it, if I don’t point out these bloody awful gifts for you, you’ll find them yourself. Maybe reading this will make you think twice before purchasing.

1. For the lady in your life:

Mandy from Barbie, Bieber and Beyond shared this recently on facebook. Apparently, pink tools are for ladies. So thrill yours with a delicate tool set designed for delicate lady hands because who could expect a woman to operate regular sized tools in colours that don’t remind her of how feminine she is? The fact that there was no corresponding set for guys speaks volumes: Tools are for men only, unless otherwise stated. Got it?

2. Something for your kid’s long-suffering teacher:

Teachers look after your kids for 30 hours a week. Sure, they get paid for it, but do they get paid enough? Hell no. So what better way to show your appreciation than a gift at Christmas? Some people really value home-made gifts. They appreciate the thought and effort that goes into them. I like to make things like baked goods or salted caramel sauce. However, if you want to keep your track record of shitty gifting going strong this year, all you need is some yarn and a crochet hook. Then you can make your over-worked, under-paid and rarely adequately appreciated teacher feel special by presenting them with this:

Yes. A cosy for apples. Because, you know, teachers…apples…get it? All Australians need a way to keep apples warm at this time of year, am I right?

3. For the co-worker you hardly know:

Secret Santa or Kris Kringle, the time of year we are assigned a colleague to delight at Christmas time for $20 or less. I have had a few great gifts out of this. Primarily alcohol based, it’s true. I drink white wine but am certainly not averse to a bottle of red every now and then. However, not everyone is as easy to please as I am. It helps to make a few discreet inquiries about what the person likes or is interested in and then shopping accordingly. Or, to hell with that. Buy them some crap they’ll never use. Something not in the least bit personal or well thought out or even usable. One of my workmates refuses to take part in Secret Santa ever since receiving a box of chocolate one year. She has nothing against chocolate, it’s just that this particular box had been opened. And sampled. So this is my suggestion for the truly crappy Kris Kringle- give them the chocolates you got and weren’t keen on. Because, nothing says “I could not care any less about you” than a demonstration of your total lack of self-control.

4. For Kids:

Buying for kids can be tricky. If you don’t know them well, it’s always a good idea to ask their parents what they’re into. Or, you could just buy something completely inappropriate because it has a 5 star rating on Amazon so it must be the bomb, right? Half-right. What I’m saying is this: If you are going to buy Cards Against Humanity for a child, you are going to have an awful lot of explaining to do. It’s possibly my favourite game. But then, I am a 34 year old woman with a mouth like a sailor, a mind in the gutter and a huge sense of irreverence. This is not a game for kids, but by all means, don’t take my word for it.

5. For the man in your life:

This could be your partner, your brother, your cousin or uncle- whoever the man in your life might be. There are many options here for the shitty gift giver. A Nickelback CD, perhaps? (Unless your man likes Nickelback, which is problematic in itself and you may carry out your shitty purchasing with my blessing.) For the rest of you, the men in your life deserve a considerate gift; something that says “I see you, and find you lacking.” Lacking what, I hear you ask? The answer, my friends, is lacking style. Lacking fashion-cred. Lacking the ability to order a drink served in a jar at any inner-city location without looking the part. This is where the clip-on man-bun comes in:

A photo posted by HITS 97.3 (@hits973) on Nov 9, 2015 at 4:50pm PST

Seriously, buying one of these, even as a gag, runs the risk of the recipient actually wearing it. Who knows how it will hold up in a strong wind or country pub? Think twice, guys. You could be spending ten bucks on a loved one to cement their humiliation.

In all seriousness, if you can’t think of what to buy someone, consider a donation style gift in their name. I’m sure many of us remember little Riley Hughes, who should be crawling around his family’s Christmas tree and posing with Santa at the shopping centre, but sadly passed away from whooping cough early this year. His parents have campaigned for vaccination tirelessly, hoping to prevent anyone else going through the tragedy they have endured. They are asking people to consider purchasing vaccines for kids in need through UNICEF and in my opinion, that is a gift well worth giving.

#IBOT @ Essentially Jess