Well, it happened. I saw the movie. You may recall that I wasn’t overly thrilled about the idea, however, sometimes you do things you wouldn’t ordinarily when it’s  for a good friend. My friends are important to me, so last week we picked a night and headed off to the cinema. But I should start at the beginning.

20 minutes before we were due to leave, one of our foursome arrived at my door. We figured 20 minutes would be long enough for at least one serve of dutch courage (a.k.a. beer) each.

With that mission accomplished, we hopped into the car when our friend and designated driver arrived and off we all went to pick up the Birthday Girl for her cinematic celebration. Of the four of us, 2 were firmly in the ‘Don’t wanna’ camp, one was keeping an open mind and the Birthday Girl was raring to go. Once we were all in and on the way, I raised the idea of a ‘safe word’, meaning that any of us could say it and it meant we all should leave, but judging from the laughs,  it was clear that the Birthday Girl thought I was joking!

We arrived at the cinema and, to my our great delight, realised there was a bar just across from the candy bar!

So we purchased our choc tops and went over for our pre-50 Shades of Grey beverages. My order was straightforward.

“I’ll have one of those beers, thanks.”

Done. Even poured tidily  into a chilled (albeit, plastic) cup. Then the Birthday Girl, in full celebration mode, ordered a Long Island Iced Tea.

Hilarity ensued, with the young barkeep struggling to find the triple sec, admitting he didn’t know what it was, laughing along with us as we had him pulling bottles down for our examination.

“This one says… french brandy??”

“NOOOO! It’s an orange liqueur you want!”

Then there was the apparent lack of a knife to cut the lemon. No bother, our young man was an ex-Boy Scout and used a pair of tiny tongs to stab the lemon instead. Unorthodox, yet effective.

Eventually, a cocktail was presented in a tall (again, plastic) cup, after a minor struggle to open the shaker.

The other two opted for beer.

For reasons unknown, there were free packets of Fisherman’s Friend mints on the bar and at least 6 packets made their way into my bag. Thanks, guys. Can I tell you, I’ve never been so minty. I wonder if they were trying to tell me something? But, I digress. Thus beveraged and armed with ice creams and what turned out to be some seriously disappointing pretzels, we found our cinema and allocated seats. There were maybe 10 or so people already seated. We chuckled and chatted through previews and then the film began.

50 Shades of Grey – The Movie

Panoramic shots of the city. Dakota Johnson as Ana. Her serendipitous meeting with Mr Grey. Him showing up in the hardware store she worked in to buy rope and tape and cable ties… I’m not going to recount the story line. If you haven’t seen it or read it by now, you probably aren’t going to.

Dakota Johnson did a pretty good job with what she had to work with. When I read the story, I didn’t like Ana. Movie Ana was more likeable and less lip-bitey (though there was a bit of that). I liked a couple of her outfits and did get a chuckle when she went through the “contract” and ruled out certain acts in a very business-like way. She was not awful at all, all things considered.

Jamie Dornan… hmmm. He just seemed kind of wooden and not very convincing and to coin a term favoured by the fabulous Mumabulous– he isn’t my style of crumpet. The one time he appealed to me was when he was standing in a nice suit by his own helicopter. I think that was less sex appeal and more appeal to the idea of being stinking rich. At the helicopter bit, Birthday Girl said it was the first time in the film where he seemed attractive and I definitely agreed. I’ve since seen him on Graham Norton and I must say, he himself is a lot more endearing than him as Mr Grey!

I managed not to say anything terribly sarcastic and only snorted a couple of times during the first half. Those snorts were completely involuntary – I was literally unable to suppress them. My eyes were rolling like crazy, but no one could see that, so I continued rolling away while holding in my whinges and gripes.

After a while, Open Minded friend turned to me and said “This is the worst movie I have ever seen!”

I instantly felt less alone! Even Birthday Girl was less than impressed, but we soldiered on.

Like Lisa Wilkinson before me, I took immense solace in my choc top. It cost around $5 and was worth every damn cent. It had cookie dough ice cream with bits of brownie in it and marshmallows. Amazing. I think it was S’more flavour. Do yourself a favour and get one.

My feelings of being alone started to come back around two thirds of the way in when I glanced behind me and noticed there was now only one other person in the cinema. This got a chuckle from my friends and shortly after- that was it. Literally everyone else had walked out.

Naturally, we then began poking fun and giggling and complaining about sore bums (ours, not Ana’s, though I’m sure hers was as well) and wondering when it would bloody well end. We talked about the sex scenes thus far:

“You know that bit, she was on all fours? You saw a bit of penis!”

“How did I miss that?!”

“What about the ice? That scene was good!”

“She had pubic hair! Awesome!”

“What were those things that looked like animal tails?”

“I think they were butt-plugs?”

Good times.

Finally, it was over. The movie didn’t exactly end on a high note but by that point we were all well beyond caring and just glad to leave.

Would I recommend 50 Shades of Grey? No. Not even a little bit.

I do, however, recommend a night out with your friends and a choc top. That’s a no regrets situation right there.