A little over a year ago, I spoke to my friend Amber* about what it was like to be a submissive in a Dom/sub relationship. The resulting interview, 7 Questions with a Submissive, has been searched for and read thousands of times now. This week, I’m following up with Master Tony, the Dom half of Amber’s relationship. He gives us an insight into life and relationships from a Dom perspective.
It’s important to remember that a true Dom/sub relationship is consensual and entered into freely. It might not be the lifestyle for me, personally, but I have learned a lot about it from both Amber and Tony and I can see how important that consent is. What also surprised me was learning that it’s not all about pleasing the Dom. In fact, the Dom, even though they demand obedience, must be focused on the needs and enjoyment of the sub partner. Interesting!
1. How long have you been a Dom for?
I guess since I left school and went to Uni. I was 17. That’s where I realised it.
2. What made you realise you wanted to be (or perhaps were) a Dom?
Meeting my first submissive girlfriend while I was at Uni.
If there was a sub/Dom “scene” neither of us were aware of it when we met and began dating. Thinking back, I remember her asking me questions at the beginning of the relationship, which were framed in such a way… They were aimed at my pleasure and approval. For instance, she wanted to know how I liked her to dress or to style her hair. In the bedroom, her questions again were unselfish, wanting to please me.
I found it very easy to answer her questions and found satisfaction in her asking. From this, we developed our relationship. I found it was almost an automatic reflex to respond and she never questioned my decisions. That was when I realised my “status” as a natural Dominant and she as a natural Submissive.
I use the term “natural” to distinguish between a submissive who has to be taught and one who does not need lessons as it comes naturally to them. The same applies for a Dominant. If that seems a little confusing, try to remember that Dominance is a form of mind control and submission is an acceptance of that.
3. Is your Dominance a part of your personality in other ways, such as in your work life or in friendships?
Very much so. After Uni, I quickly realised I could never work for a boss. I tried it and that convinced me! So from my early 20s onward, I have been my own boss in my own businesses. In my friendships, the only way it effects me is that I do not suffer fools…but I am always polite about that!
4. The language used by a Dom towards a sub can be quite discomfiting to those outside of the kink community- using words like slut and whore. They are quite demeaning and traditionally use a woman’s sexuality to denigrate her, which seems counter-intuitive in an intimate relationship. Do you use words like this and if so, can you shed some light on why?
Yes, when used in normal language, they are confronting words. However to a true submissive knows what they mean; my slut, my whore and no one else’s. During his/her lifetime, a submissive will have many Masters but only one OWNER. And it is the owner that has the privilege to thus address the submissive. Others who wish to do likewise must seek the permission of the owner before doing so. So, rather than being demeaning to a submissive, they are a confirmation of her owner’s affection and his responsibilities towards her.
5. As a Dom, you have a certain level of control over your submissive partner. What sorts of rules do you have?
Total and unconditional obedience. That is my rule. It applies to all the submissive’s sexual behaviour, meaning that before she has any sexual contact she first must seek her Master’s approval. This need for approval often spills over into everyday life, to include the submissive’s clothing , hairstyles etc. A few areas are off limits even for a Dom – especially family matters. A true Dom never interferes in the family.
In general, the rule is simple but, in a lot of ways, it is more demanding than a marriage. If a sub is not prepared to submit to that, then they have not yet met the Master they require. But if they are prepared to obey, they will enjoy a sex life that few ever achieve but many dream of.
6. Being dominant is, thanks to misrepresentation in pop culture, sometimes seen as abusive behaviour. Things like controlling what someone else wears or insisting they address you in a certain manner. Can you elaborate on what the real differences are and the importance of consent in a Dom/sub relationship?
To understand the difference, you must first understand the difference between dominance and sado-masochism, the latter being that of a sadist. The power in a Dom/sub relationship rests with the Submissive, not the Dom, which a lot of people do not realise. It is up to the Dom to completely satisfy the submissive sexually and if he fails to do so she may walk away from the relationship. If the Dom is satisfying his partner, she generally will choose to accept any punishment she is given for disobeying her Master. Conversely she also willingly accepts any praise for pleasing her Master, for instance in wearing what he demands she wears etc. The other thing a Dom will never do is strike a submissive in anger. A true sadist may not adhere to such rules.
7. Is there ever any issues with jealousy on either the Master or the sub’s part?
Of course there can be and this is important – jealousy must never interfere in the relationship. A Master will never be jealous of his sub enjoying relationships with other Dom Masters. The sub partner will never be jealous of other submissives that her Master may choose to train or play with. “Normal” relationships find this almost impossible, I realise. However, within a D/s relationship it is very easy as the whole point of the relationship is the achievement of the partner’s enjoyment, rather than their own.
*Names changed for privacy.