All the good men, where are you?

I don’t mean the good men that rush the comments in every article detailing yet another sexual assault, yet another rape, yet another woman murdered. Only to proclaim themselves “good men” because “not all men” blah blah blah.

If talking about toxic masculinity in the context of another raped or murdered woman only makes you desperate to distance yourself from those men, you’re not a “good man”. You’re a derailer. The woman who has been harmed or killed means less to you than your own ego. You’re not interested in getting to the core of the problem or bringing about change. Just in letting everyone know that you don’t assault or kill women. You, personally, aren’t responsible. And there are so many of you out there, pleading to distance yourself from those men, that there are now women who’ve taken up your cause. They, like you, forget about the number of women being sexually harassed, stalked, abused, beaten, raped and killed. The literal body count is ignored while they point out the bleeding obvious.

If we are talking about violent men and you, your son, your best mate, your partner or whoever else you have in mind is not a violent man, good! No one is saying otherwise.

But that doesn’t make a man “good” by default. Not being a violent prick is not enough, my dudes. You NOT assaulting, molesting, harassing or murdering people does not earn you the title of “good man” if it stops there. That is nothing but a baseline for civil decency. You don’t get accolades for NOT committing crimes.

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Incels

Incels are involuntarily celibate people, usually men, who blame a host of external factors for their inability to find a partner. The term incel has become more widely known in recent years after events such as the Toronto van attack, which killed 10 people. The perpetrator, Alek Minassian, was part of the Incel movement and active in online forums discussing a hatred of women. It was discovered that he had posted his praises online for Elliot Rodger, who killed 6 people and injured even more back in 2014. Rodger claimed it was an act revenge towards the women who had rejected him.
Incels

Incels refer to men who can find a partner as “Chads”. They view them with contempt and jealousy. Women who are considered attractive and desirable, while still being objects of scorn and hatred, as called “Stacys”.

My guest this week is Dr Rachel Hannam, who gives us an insight into incels from a psychologist’s point of view.

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30 women in Australia have been killed by men this year. At this rate, it’s more than one a week, on average. And many of us are furious about it on more than one level.

Yet another young woman, Eurydice Dixon, was robbed of her life as she cut through a park, just a few minutes’ walk from home. The usual response, from police and media, has been reminding women, yet again, to take responsibility for our safety.

Don’t walk alone, don’t go to parks, don’t do this, don’t wear that, don’t drink this, don’t say that, don’t fucking so much as exist in public without one of the “good” men for your own damn protection from the “bad” men. And let’s ignore the fact that, statistically, you’re in even more danger at home. Intimate partner violence contributes to more death, disability and illness in women aged 15 to 44 than any other preventable risk factor, according to a Victorian study.

But don’t dare voice that thought, you misandrist, feminazi bitch. 

The minute you do, some man will be there to deflect, derail, minimise and deny. They don’t care that we are rightfully angry and frustrated. We DO take care. We ALL do! This is drummed into us from childhood!

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We walk with our keys wolverined in our fists, we text each other when we are home, we call each other when we are in a taxi and feeling unsafe, we walk in groups, we take well-lit routes, we lock the car doors. Sometimes our personal risk assessment allows us to walk home alone at night, sometimes it’s just unavoidable. The punishment for this apparent transgression should never be rape and murder and yet here we are. It’s as if our very presence in public is a risk we must constantly mitigate, by not being alone, by not being in the dark, by holding a potential weapon and by being constantly on guard.

And if you’re a woman of colour, a disabled woman or a transwoman, you’re at even greater risk, statistically.

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A few months ago, we took the plunge into the nightmarish Sydney property market. That meant spending a lot of time with real estate agents. Needless to say, we now own a small portion of a nice suburban home. Like, we probably own the laundry. At least part of it. Of course, the bank owns the rest and won’t let us forget it, drawing out a slightly horrifying sum from our accounts on the regular. There’s a few differences between renting and “owning”. If we break something, we have to fix it ourselves, for example. But if we want to knock out a wall, we definitely can. We tried that out. Liberating, to say the least.

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