Almost everyone these days has a Facebook account and we share more of our lives than ever before online.
However, there are a handful of personalities on Facebook that I. Just. Can’t. Deal. With.
These are the people that constantly share only the one aspect of their life or behave in a certain way and it’s telling, so telling…
The Gym Junkie
If you go to the gym, good for you. However, if you’re going to the gym so often that you literally have nothing else to talk about, we may have a problem. See, I don’t mind a spot of exercise. A nice stroll, a swim, chasing my kids around the yard, walking to the fridge or whatever- all good. However, I understand that it’s not interesting to other people. If your exercise has lead to an achievement- you completed your first marathon, you won a major race, you lifted a car or whatever, go ahead and tell me about it. I will be genuinely thrilled for you. By all means, post that all over social media and then sit back and bask in the afterglow of all those ‘likes’. If your exercise is just the regular kind that you do each week to stay healthy, go you! However, I’m going to be brutally honest: I don’t care. I don’t care how many squats you do, I’m not fussed on knowing how many burpees you do or how much you even lift, bro. I will level with you here and admit that I don’t even know what a burpee is, but that is not an invitation to explain it to me because, again, I just do not care. Same goes for the daily selfies catalouging your workout gear. Hashtag LORNA JANE! Hashtag LULU LEMON! Hashtag UNDERARMOUR! Go right ahead, but know that your $300 tank and tights combo won’t make your exercise any more effective, nor will they make your facebook friends any more interested in your gym escapades.
The Avid Sports Fan
If we are friends, you probably already know that my interest in watching others play sports is about on par with my interest in knowing about other people’s exercise habits. For those not really sure yet, it’s zero. I am pretty comfortable in my almost total ignorance of sporting stuff. I am a person who once remarked on a tennis bat because I wasn’t sure of the proper name. My Facebook feed has, at times, been full of sporting related matter which has a strange effect on me. My eyes glaze over, much like a pineapple doughnut. I may drool a little (possibly due to thinking about doughnuts) and I must quickly scroll through the sporting-related posts before my brain opts out completely and I fall asleep. I can forgive numerous updates during what people consider major sporting events. I just briskly scroll on by (it’s basically a kind of exercise). I often try to post a supportive “Go Sports Team!” status but that’s about the pinnacle of my level of sports engagement. If you want to specifically discuss sport with someone- I am not the friend for that. I will politely nod along, but in reality, I have no idea what you’re talking about and will constantly get distracted or focussed on the wrong parts of your story. Just ask my friend Colleen, who has a baffling obsession with watching other people ride bicycles. Anyone who wants to fill my news feed with constant blow-by-blow updates of the various sporting events, thoughts about sporting issues and sports related commentary, consider yourself fairly warned; I’ll have to at least ‘hide’ you. It’s not personal; I just don’t want to unintentionally sedate myself via social media, you know? It could result in serious injury.
The Conspiracy Theorist
If you post before you Snopes, we may not be able to be friends. If you see a shareable post online making claims you’ve not heard before that you think are potentially helpful, interesting or outrageous, do me a favour and see if it’s legit before clicking ‘share’. Sites like Snopes make it really easy. Don’t be the person helping to spread ignorance around because ignorance can be bloody dangerous. It can incite hatred. It can cause unnecessary paranoia. It can cause people to risk their health. Why? Because onion slices in your socks won’t cure anything, Christmas lights have not been banned due to pressure from local mosques, “Himalayan” salt won’t regulate sleep cycles, honey/turmeric/cider vinegar/bicarb soda etc are not cancer cures, Red Bull does not contain bull semen, the HPV vaccine has not been proven to have killed 32 women, AIDS was not created by the CIA, microwaves are not the Devil, chemtrails aren’t a thing and you can’t resurrect a rotten banana with the help of a bag of rice and a hairdryer.
Are you selling Tupperware? Good for you! I hear some people go berserk over that stuff. Their Modular Mates are never out of place and they wouldn’t be caught dead without a fridge full of VentSmart containers. Or maybe you’re into selling weight loss stuff like It Works! (Hot tip- it doesn’t) or Isagenix? Or a party plan deal selling anything from skin care products to scented candles? That’s fine by me. We could all use a little extra income and, where possible, I will go to your party to support you and even buy something if I like it (Be warned though- I don’t buy Tupperware. But I will enjoy your refreshments, play the party games and hopefully win yet another melon baller). What I won’t do, though, is put up with a news feed full of your advertising because yaaawn. I like my facebook feed to be a nice mixture of thoughtful articles, politics, satire and pictures of other people’s dinner, children and pets. Start spamming everyone with your sales pitches and people will just start hiding you from their feeds because they are all mostly too polite to actually tell you we don’t want to buy a diet milkshake or $100 essential oil blend. Why not set up a page or group for your selling stuff and keep it separate from your personal profile? That way people who are actually interested can ‘like’ or join and your other family and friends can keep admiring your other facebook posts without feeling like they have to keep buying containers to connect with you.
Nothing says Drama Llama like a vague Facebook status. Just a few words implying impending disaster or terrible misfortune, usually accompanied by a “feeling sad” or similar, this status is designed to seek concern. Those few in the inner circle of the Vaguebooker will already know what is going on and will respond with reassurance; statements like “You’ll get through this, hon!” that are equally vague and frustrating for the reader. Others are expected to reply with comments like “Hope you are okay, hon!” and “Sending strength, hon!” (Note- Vaguebookers and their associates are notorious users of “hon”. Scientists are yet to explain why.) If someone comes right out and asks what is going on amid the directionless sympathy and votes of confidence, it’s either considered terribly rude, it’s ignored (while all perceived supportive remarks are ‘liked’ or given a “Thanks, hon!”) or very occasionally it is replied to with an “I’ll PM you, hon.” It’s like the latter are simply testing their Facebook friends to see who cares enough to ask and trust me, after your first few vaguebook updates, that number will be dwindling! Here’s a tip: If your personal issue is not something you wish to broadcast to your 600 Facebook friends including your kindergarten teacher, everyone you knew in school, current and former work colleagues, most of your cousins, your parents and even your Great Aunty Ethel who is really getting the hang of things online (except she keeps sharing those scammy free Bunnings voucher posts) then why not consider keeping the whole issue off Facebook? I get that some people share their whole lives, warts and all, while others stick to the highlights. But sharing the fact that you have a problem without divulging what it is seems pointless because no one can offer you any genuine help or even genuine sympathy.
Why not keep Facebook for what it was intended for- pictures of your dinner, cats, funny shares and checking out what your first love actually did with their life 20 years later? Am I asking too much?
What drives you wild on Facebook?
#FYBF @ With Some Grace
#Weekend Rewind @ Live, Love & Hiccups
#TURH @ Calm to Conniption