The Pandemic List

It’s a weird time, right? I feel like a lot of people, myself included, have adjusted to living with a constant baseline of high anxiety. It’s frightening and stressful. So, to amuse/distract  myself, I started this list in the notes app on my phone. Then I thought I’d publish it, listicle style, for your amusement/distraction.

1- My Face

I fucking love touching my face. It turns out, this is my go-to whenever I’m thinking, not thinking, reading, watching Netflix on my phone on public transport- you name it, touching your face is the perfect accompaniment to it!

Ryan Gosling, rubbing his hands on his face

2- Personal Space

Some people do not respect personal space. I do not like confronting people who don’t respect personal space. Instead, I’ve developed a very pointed, passive-aggressive and effective look solely devoted to people who don’t respect personal space.

3- Hand hygiene

Hand sanitiser, as well as killing germs and stuff, is a very effective way of identifying paper cuts you didn’t know you had.

4- Masking Up

Masks help prevent virus transmission AND keep your face warm. And you can get pretty ones, so pandemic fashion is a thing! It’s win/win!

Not that many people are wearing masks in Sydney, but many that do are wearing them incorrectly, taking them off to speak or constantly touching them. We should all be sharing the best way to wear them with our friends and loved ones!

Beware: Not all masks are created equally. I saw some for sale yesterday that were a single layer of nylon. Very cheap and nowhere near as effective as they could be. Make sure you buy or make one that’s gonna offer the best protection possible to you and those around you!

If you’re gonna use disposable masks, put them in the bin when you’re done. Don’t be a grub.

A surgical mask lying on the ground

5- Conspiracy theory enthusiasts are having a field day

Even people you’ve previously considered reasonable can be sucked in to conspiracy theories.

How do you know someone is a conspiracy theorist? They’ll fucking tell you, don’t worry about that. Or tell their friend, loudly, in a public area. This is good because you know who to avoid. People who think Covid-19 is a hoax are probably not concerned with washing their hands or staying home if they have flu-like symptoms. People who think it’s a government conspiracy or caused by mobile phone towers aren’t gonna be swayed by anything you have to say. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Thanks to social media, you’ll also know if any friends/colleagues/relatives or other acquaintances are conspiracy theorists. This will help you to know who to keep a little extra “social distance“ from.

6- Kids touch EVERYTHING

You don’t want to take them out but sometimes you have to. Taking kids anywhere is frustrating because they have to touch bloody everything, even if you have specifically told them not to. They literally cannot help themselves. The urge is so ingrained that they don’t even know they’re doing it.

7- Cough/Sniff Hyper Awareness

I am extremely conscious of every cough, sniffle and even throat-clearing in my vicinity. The coughed/sniffer does the wild-eyed glance around and I pretend I haven’t noticed, but I’ve definitely noticed.

I am also super conscious of MY OWN sniffs and coughs and will loudly proclaim to my friend “It’s just my sinusitis!” (Because it IS, just so we’re clear. I’ve been tested!) I will tense every muscle I own and quietly choke to avoid the slightest cough in public.

Tweet: excuse me everyone, I need to inform you that I simply have choked on my own spit, not because I have covid but because I am a truly incompetent human

8- Escapism is different

Two women crying in front of the computer
Dystopian fiction just isn’t as appealing as it used to be. I haven’t even finished The Handmaid’s Tale and have put down a few novels I’d started, since a common theme in this genre is some kind of pandemic. It’s hard when your novel echoes what you read in the news. Speaking of news, 
doomscrolling is a thing. Its where you feel constantly obliged to keep reading news that you find distressing or upsetting. It’s hard not to, when there’s a global pandemic. I’m trying to take time out from it by watching feel-good shows or reading (non-dystopian) fiction.

9- We will give ANYTHING a nickname.

“Yeah, mate, been in iso. I was at the Crossroads, so I had to get tested for The ‘Rona. Used plenty of sanny and all that, but gotta stay home the full two weeks. Lucky we’d magpied up on the bog roll, eh?” Need I say more?

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