A Christmas Gift Guide for the Salty Shopper
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…..
It’s all about perspective, isn’t it? When you’re a kid, it’s pretty spectacular. Chocolate, lollies and snacks at every turn. Gifts from mum, dad, all your aunties and uncles and from some total stranger who breaks into your house to leave them every December 24th. As you get older, the magic is still there, if you want it to be. But no matter how hard you hit the Bublé , baubles and bubbly, there’s still one looming monster that requires your attention. It’s where a Christmas gift guide can come in kinda handy, so, you’re welcome!
The Bloody Shopping.
Ever been to a shopping centre after the first week of December? Fuck my fucking life, to put it politely. The endless crowds full of people who come to a dead stop in front of you for no reason.
The queues that snake halfway up the aisle. Trying to find that one thing you wanted from {insert giant department store here} and getting lost, spending $300 and still not getting that one thing. Stores staffed by cheerful teenagers (gawd love ’em) who have no clue what a salad spinner is, let alone where you could find one in their mega store.
Buying more and more and more…
There seems to be an ever-growing list of people to buy for. This isn’t a uniquely me experience. Research* shows that we often feel obligated to buy an increasing number gifts, including for people we aren’t especially fond of. If you are in this boat with me, and I am guessing there’s a few of us, I am telling you that you do not have to set foot in a shopping centre between now and the big day if you don’t want to. Get the whole shebang thoughtfully delivered to your door, why don’t you?
(Note: I know it is important to support local business and retail workers and I generally do. But between Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album and the dystopian nightmare that is the shopping centre’s multi-level carpark, I just can’t. It’s self-preservation, really.)
I’ve googled like a fiend and found you some salty options instead of the usual Christmas gift guide to bestow upon those you feel obliged to buy for. The theory is, a gift like this might send a subtle message that will get you out of buying for them next year. I’m gonna have a crack at it and report back. We’ll call it a social experiment. If you do it too, let me know how it goes.
A Salty Christmas Gift Guide
Calm The Fuck Down Bath Salts
Here’s one for the co-worker who is always over-reacting. The distant cousin who has remarkable tantrums at family functions, even though he’s 36. Or why not gift this to your least-favourite and/or most dramatic teenager? Head to Far Kew Emporium to pick up a vial of these magnificent Calm The Fuck Down Bath Salts for less than 10 bucks!! What a bargain. I know all the memes say that never, in the history of being told to calm down, has anyone ever actually calmed down. But add this magical shit into the mix and… you just never know, it might work!
Salty Bitch Notebook
This one was designed by yous truly and is available here in my Redbubble store. When I came up with this one, I envisioned a former work colleague who was a chronic list-maker and note taker. She’d literally stop to take notes mid-casual conversation. You just knew she was trying to find a way to get you in the shit with the boss. She was abrasive, insensitive and, well, salty as hell. If only I had drawn her for Secret Santa!
Frankie Fudge- Eat a Dick Bear
Personalised gifts are so special, aren’t they? You know the giver has gone to a lot of trouble when your gift has a message inscribed, embroidered or spcially printed, just for you. Which is why I couldn’t go past this Frankie Fudge- Eat A Dick bear from Swear Bears. You’ll either learn that the recipient has a cracking sense of humour and that you’ve misjudged them and should definitely be friends. Or… Well, you probably won’t have to buy for them again!
PEST tee
Available in a range of youth sizes, this preshrunk cotton tee should suit any young pest in your life. Think of it as a community service announcement; a way to warn others. I’m thinking of buying one for each of your kids. I figure they will either a- realise they are pests and cut it out, b- laugh and present me with a similar shirt of my own or c- not even look up from their phones/ipads. Grab a PEST tee here at How Good. And use the code HANDBAGMAFIA for 20% off!! (How awesome are the gang at How Good!?)
Image via How Good.
Try Not To Be A Cunt Bangle
“Try not to be a cunt” is good life advice for everyone, don’t you think?
If you have to buy for a bangle-wearer with cuntish tendencies, this is the pick for you. Be. Bangles do cute AF stamped bangles in silver and rose gold. This one is, by far, my favourite and I’d wear it just as a little reminder to me!
Be.Bangles are well-priced and offer a choice of inspirational, nice messages or ones with swears- remember, swearing is a sign of intelligence!
*The research involved my asking a sample of friends and colleagues. There may have been wine involved.
Please note, there are approximately 2 affiliate links contained in this post, meaning if you click through and buy something, I earn a small commission. It doesn’t cost you any extra. To date, my affiliate link income has reached the princely sum of exactly zero, but I thought, why the fuck not have another crack at it, eh? It’s Christmas, after all!
