In this digital world, a lot of our first interactions with people are online.

In fact, that’s how I met my husband. That’s a story for another day but what I will tell you now is that he never, ever sent me a picture of his dick. That in itself made him stand out from the crowd. Although this was almost a decade ago now, unsolicited cock shots were still fairly common on dating sites, chat sites and so on.

I’ve never really understood the impulse to send these pictures. I mean, what’s the aim? Where I live, if you walked up to a woman and pulled out your willy, you’d be charged with obscene exposure and could even face prison, because it’s a sexual offence and that’s not cool. When you’re trying to chat someone up online, whether you’re looking for a bit of fun or a life partner, is a sexual offence really a good ice-breaker or way to secure a date?

ryan dick pic

Surely it’s not that difficult to figure out. Unless someone makes it clear that they are interested in schlong snapshots from you, keep them to your damn self, right? Some women (I know exactly one) will be only too pleased to have a look, but it is their choice, yeah? Don’t just throw your man-bits into her inbox without knowing for sure that she’ll be pleased to see them. It’s inappropriate and technically it’s illegal. So don’t.

I have met a lot of my friends online- male and female and from all walks of life. I think I’m pretty well-versed in online friendships and etiquette, which is why I make a point of not sending anyone picture of my lady-parts (you’re welcome) or sexually harassing them in any way. It’s not all that difficult.

amy schumer dick pic

Almost every woman I know has a dick pic story. Some collect and critique them, some  see an unsolicited dick pic as an instant reason to use the block button and a few block but only after telling the owner of the cock in question exactly what they think of him (and, possibly, his wang). Personally, I used to love getting on a site called chat roulette and talking to people from all over the world. The only problem I have ever experienced with being connected to a random webcam anywhere in the world for a chat session was that every second user had the webcam trained on his exposed penis.

*yawn*

There’s no consensus on how to deal with a man who sends a penis pic or pulls it out while you’re skypeing. A cutting remark, an instant block, a laugh, a return picture of your middle finger or legal action- all acceptable.

However, when it comes to men flashing their bits online, my mate Rachel (whom I met online and who has never once sent me a picture of her genitals- go Rachel!) has the best dick pic story I’ve heard in ages.

Rachel’s Story.

Let me set the scene. I was 17 and recovering from a tonsillectomy. My best friend was staying over and we were passing the time chatting with boys on the internet (On Yahoo, because it was the early 2000s) when a random guy sent us a webcam to view.

We were reasonably used to unsolicited jacking-off-cams, which are like dick pics but with live action – but what appeared on the screen did not look like anything we’d ever seen before. We giggled nervously, asking each other “What IS that?” It looked like a flesh coloured, hunched-over alien.webcam no dick pic

As we leaned into the screen to determine what it was that we were actually looking at the guy sent through a message:

“Do you like my dick?”

We laughed so hard that I felt something go POP! inside my throat. I then started bleeding profusely from inside my throat. For the time being, I forgot hunched-alien penis while I swallowed my own blood to try not to choke and played a frantic game of charades with my mum to try to explain what was happening. She finally got it and we jumped in the car to head to the hospital.

rhianna dick pic

Rhianna does not want to see your dick pic.

The bleeding had slowed to a steady trickle by the time we arrived at emergency and after an hour of observation – stifling giggles the whole time – I got the all clear to head home.
The highlight of the evening, though, was when we got home. We switched the computer back on and alien-dick guy was still online and quickly  messaged us asking where we’d gone. I’m proud to say that I didn’t hesitate in telling him that his penis was so funny looking that my throat hemorrhaged from laughing at it and I’d had to go to hospital.

Moral of the story:

Would you pull your dick out and wave it at a stranger in a bar or cafe that you’ve just introduced yourself to? I hope not. Same principle. Keep it in your pants. No one wants to see a surprise dick pic. It doesn’t matter if it’s tinder, webcam chat or a private message, you still need consent. It can be dealt with as a crime and you have no idea what impact it could have on someone. For all you know, it will be deeply traumatic (or cause a throat hemorrhage) or just really piss someone off. Not cool. Just don’t.

 

#IBOT @ Essentially Jess.

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  • Oh my God this is hysterical!
    LOL!
    I have never been involved in any online dating or any online chatter with a guy so I have missed the whole Dick Pic phenomenon, Thank goodness!
    You’re totally right, If it’s not socially acceptable or legal to do it in real life, what makes people think it’s ok to do on line?
    You’ve made my day with this post.

    • I’m glad! Share it with any single men you know 😉

  • LydiaCLee

    Never been sent one – and okay with that. But as a thing, they’re not really sexy without the actual man attached, are they – so I’d still rather the face be sent, then maybe the face and chest, then maybe the whole deal…but I guess men don’t want their dick attached to their face in the same photo, because then it’s traceable….

  • Who are these people? These random guys, every second guy? Says a lot for the male of the species (#notallmen). I’ve only ever had one sent to me, and it was by someone that I knew. Hmmmm. I didn’t really know what to do with it. well, he did send instructions with it actually, yet still I was left in some confusion. Haha. WHY?

  • Oh my Lord!!!! That is one hell of a story. I have never been sent a dick pic and I certainly hope I don’t ever get sent one. What is wrong with people?!

  • jess

    I am so very grateful that I have never been sent one, but my teenage clients are so well versed in sexting that it is basically a non-event to receive such a pic. Quite sad really!

  • I don’t understand this new era of sharing duck pics. Honestly! Apparently women have started sharing their own genitals online too.

  • It’s hardly like they’re attractive right? I mean boobs are at least good looking. Dicks are just ugly (sorry folks but they are!). So glad no man has ever thought to send me a picture of one!

  • Natalie @ Our Parallel Connect

    They are the most unattractive things EVER. I never want to see one( not even hubbys too..shh)

  • The online world is a one unpredictable and scary place that I sometimes fear for my children. It’s not just the dick picks but online bullying and threats.

  • Hugzilla

    Oh god, some people have less impulse control than a bunch of horny bonobo apes. Keep it in your pants until invited. Pretty simple you’d think.

  • Alix@thebuilderette

    Just a horrible new trend. I spent 10 minutes on ByeFelipe the other day (an Instagram account of online interactions – quite often after a dick pic has been sent and the lady has politely declined). It was profoundly depressing to read how some mean speak to women and the hate and anger that is directed towards them. We didn’t ask to see you dick, we’ve been polite, now put it away and move on. I fear for the world at this rate!

  • I have to say this post makes me so grateful for all the people I’ve met who haven’t shown me their stuff. I probably don’t appreciate that fact enough.

  • That is the most hilarious dick pic story ever. Thankfully I’ve never received one.

  • Too funny! I have a dick pic story too. And while we’re on topic, don’t play with it in public either. Wanking outside ain’t cool! (Seen plenty of those!)

  • Nina F

    Amy, I’d love your views on why men do this? I don’t buy that they are trying to seduce. As you say, it’s akin to flashing a person in the street, which is clearly a behaviour which falls on the sexual assault spectrum (along with voyeurism offenses, groping, public masturbation etc). It’s very much non-consensual sexualized behaviour which is steeped in power and control issues. But it also appears to have parallels with teen boys needing to draw or spray paint dick and balls on absolutely every surface they come in contact with… then again, perhaps that behaviour is also steeped in power and control issues…. after all as a woman I’ve NEVER felt the need to draw a massive vagina on public wall, as if to mark that public space in a really gendered, possessive way…. thoughts?

  • They had this whole conversation at the girls school, whereby they discussed all the legalities of sending pics like these. Especially if an older boy sent one to his younger girlfriend, potentially he could be arrested for peodophillia. Just something that a lot of teenagers never think of. Also you may think you are sending it privately, but you have no control over where that pic may eventually end up.

  • That’s the funniest story!!! I can thankfully say I’ve never had a dick pic. My husband and I were set up, so we got to know each other by texting to begin with. I did get tipsy once and asked if he wanted to “go steady” (after we’d been on a couple of dates) and that was that! SOLD! 2 kids and a mortgage for us 10 years later 🙂 that’s as risky as we ever got… well, for this comment anyway! lol! x

  • That is one awesome story!! I have high hopes that the tendency to flash your bits to strangers (or friends) online will have dissipated by the time my kids are teens… Surely..