Posts that I like to categorise as “things you shouldn’t put in your vagina” pop up in my social newsfeeds in a weird sort of cycle. Firstly, it’ll be someone genuinely wondering about a product or practice.
Then the screenshots start appearing in various groups along with lots of discussion. Then maybe a link or two to a product you can buy online. Maybe a blog post extolling the virtues of certain practices or products.
Then the rebuttals start appearing (including a couple I’ve written myself!).
Before you know it, it’s radio silence on that particular thing or things you shouldn’t put in your vagina. Until someone sees an old post or article, and the cycle repeats. So, I thought it was time for a handy little round-up guide.
5 Things You Shouldn’t Put in Your Vagina
I would just like to state that this is NOT an exhaustive list. I’m obligated to point out that there are many things in the world that do not belong anywhere near your vagina. This is simple a list of the things I see most frequently on my Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and (occasionally) Pinterest. Yeah, people pin that stuff. Who knew?
1. Do not put steam up your vagina
Don’t believe anything you read on the Goop website. That is life advice for free. When it comes to vagina steam cleans, Gwyneth Paltrow is wrong. You do not need a herbal steam clean of your nether regions. Despite the claims made, the steam will not reach your uterus. You generally will have a cervix preventing that. It’s not like getting your carpet steam-cleaned; your vagina has a system in place and it cleans it’s own damn self. Same goes for your uterus. It’s a tidy house, down there, and you don’t have to do much beyond regular showers and washing with water alone. If something doesn’t feel right, see the doctor, not your kettle. Do not risk steam burns in places you sit on. It is a bad idea.
2. Do not put Vicks Vaporub anywhere near your vagina
I can’t believe this even has to be said. But late last year, posts started circulating that advocated putting Vicks (a mentholated chest rub) in your vagina to “cleanse” it, control any odours and add a “tingle” in the bedroom. Vicks in your vagina is only going to give you a longer-lasting burn than the steam clean mentioned above. And that stuff is greasy AF. It takes 26 hot washes to get it off your hands, let alone your vag. If you Vicks the V, you aren’t getting out of it without half a bottle of detergent, a bottle brush and a hand-held shower. DON’T DO IT!
3. Do not put rocks in your vagina
Another from the Goop files, vagina eggs are made from pretty crystals. You’re meant to pop them in your vagina and hold them in place for better sex and to keep yourself “in shape” for your male partner.
It’s also meant to be a spiritual practice and the people who profit from selling them to you will tell you it “balances hormones”. It will not. It’s a rock, no matter how pretty. You don’t need a rock to keep your bits in shape, just do your pelvic floor exercises. If you have an actual issue going on, a doctor or specialist physio is the person to see, not a “guru” writing for Goop.
4. Don’t put essential oils up or around your vagina
When it comes to essential oils, it’s a misnomer. They aren’t actually essential, in terms of the tiny bottles of oil you can buy. You can definitely live without them and be totally happy. And healthy. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something. Probably a bottle of “essential oil”.
I’ve come across this post and variations of it appearing on social media:
I mean, you don’t have to be a lady to have a vagina, but that aside, I acknowledge that I am no doctor. I also guarantee that neither is the person telling you to put oil on your bits to cure an infection. Also, melaleuca is tea-tree oil. There’s a reason it’s not regularly included in bath products. Like vagina steaming and Vicksing, you’re facing a potentially burning vagina (and, in this case, anus), so how about NOPE! The evidence for essential oils as a therapuetic product is thin on the ground, anyway. Vagina infection? See a doctor.
5. Don’t put a vagina tightening stick in your cart, let alone inside your vagina
These bullshit items are sold on the premise that they will “cleanse” the vagina, removing all that icky discharge, and tighten it up. They’re even marketed to postpartum women, for fuck’s sake! Because after giving birth, we should be worried about THAT. Not the baby, our own recovery or anything like that. Just how “tight” our vaginas are.
All these gross vagina tightening sticks will actually do is dry your vagina out. If you had sex soon after that, you’d end up with abrasions. Abrasions in the vagina! Before you know it- vaginal infection (see point 4) and loads of discomfort. Here’s the actual need to know: Your vagina is self-cleaning (yay!), discharge is VITAL and normal and vaginas are elastic and bounce back wonderfully. Any partner who has concerns about the tightness of your vagina at any stage can get in the bin where they belong.