A while back, Gwyneth Paltrow had eyes rolling across the globe when she endorsed the practice of steaming one’s vagina in the interests of, um, health? Actual women’s health experts advised against the practice because, not surprisingly, sitting your bits over a herbal steam does not cleanse the womb as Gwynnie claimed. In fact, there’s no need to try to steam clean your lady bits. In the words of board certified OB/GYN Jen Gunter: “Think of it like a self-cleaning oven.”

Why Do People Listen To Celebrities?

When it comes to your health, we humans seem to love a self-appointed expert. Especially celebrities. What is it about actors in particular that makes people feel they are authorities on things they aren’t qualified for? To be fair, I don’t know that there is a qualification for “lifestyle guru” but that in itself should tell us something. Gwyneth Paltrow is an actor and a pretty good one. Maybe that’s why people listen to her; she’s paid to be convincing. She’s literally won awards for pretending to be someone she is not- that’s how good she is at it.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Not A Gynecologist

Just so we are 100% clear, I can’t find any evidence that Gwyneth Paltrow has studied gynecology. She is not a vagina expert. This is no surprise, considering her endorsement of the “v-steam”. I’d have thought the criticism she received for that particular kerfuffle might have reminded her of this fact and left her to her $60USD  Sex Dust™ sales (interestingly, this is the “brainchild” of someone called Amanda Chantal Bacon, who states she never went to college a day in her life!) and whatever other stuff she sells alongside overpriced clothing and beauty products. But it wasn’t to be.

Introducing the Vagina Egg

Yes, you read that correctly. One of the latest additions to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop store are- GET THIS- egg-shaped pieces of jade or quartz for your vagina. Not content with selling $1785 jackets and various “detox kits”, Goop now stock these egg-shaped rocks to hold in your vagina for…reasons. According to Goop, Chinese “queens” (not Empresses? Empress consorts?) and concubines used then to “stay in shape” for emperors. Apparently, egg-shaped rocks in the vagina lead to better sex, assist in more orgasms, hormone balance and “feminine energy in general”. And yet I can’t find any studies or any medical testimony in regards to the magical powers of jade vagina eggs.

Go figure.

Shiva Rose: Vagina Egg Enthusiast

The Goop website has an interview with actor (i.e. a person paid to convince you they are someone/something they aren’t) Shiva Rose about the wonders of the vagina egg. Goop bills her as a “beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend”. I read it, because research. If you want to subject yourself to it, be my guest. If you don’t have the energy, I’ll summarise. She basically talked about “energy”, cleansing, pre-boiling your egg (I’d recommend cooling before use), keeping your egg on an altar in your “sacred space” (an actual space that isn’t your vagina, presumably between uses), the “power” of crystals, recharging your egg under the light of a full moon and a bunch of other nonsense.

Vagina Egg: Empowering Women?

Shiva Rose and Goop discuss the history of concubines and queens using these to keep their bits toned for the man in their lives, but Rose muses about how the humble vagina egg has ended up empowering women instead. How? By keeping them looking and feeling youthful. Shiva also reckons it makes her more attractive. Vagina eggs= youth and attractiveness. Youth and attractiveness= female empowerment.

Yeah, I’m not seeing it.

I’m Also Not A Gynecologist

Or even an actor. However, I do know that rocks in your vagina won’t “detox” you or “balance hormones”. If you need more detoxing than your liver and kidneys can manage, you should probably be seeking medical attention. Hormonal imbalances are a real thing, too. Usually diagnosed and treated by, you know, actual doctors. I asked around and did some reading and it turns out, popping a rock into your vagina isn’t the accepted treatment for that, either. Vague claims about feminine energy?

Better sex? I dunno. I guess trying not to, erm, lay the egg throughout the day might be like doing your pelvic floor exercises, so there’s that. It’s important to note, though, that you can do pelvic floor exercises without an expensive rock all up in your business!

In short, putting rocks in your vagina, no matter how pretty they might be, doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. There doesn’t seem to be any benefits, I’d have to get an altar and what if it fell out at an inopportune moment? This is one more Gwyneth-endorsed health trend I’ll be ignoring!

 

#IBOT @ Capturing Life.

Gifs via Giphy, Cover image via Pixabay.

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  • I really didn’t know what to expect when I read the title for this one, Amy!! Vagina eggs, really? Putting it in a sacred space and bathing it under the full moon etc sounds absolutely ridiculous. I bet heaps of Goop followers will do whatever Gwyn says though. If it helps with the pelvic floor it makes sense, but the rest of it sounds like a load of bollocks.

    • Haha, yep, I can think of better things to do with my evenings!

  • Do you think she just looks for the most ridiculous thing to endorse and then has a little giggle? She must.

  • She really is off her rocks! The pelvic floor, maybe. Otherwise, Goopy Loopy.

  • LydiaCLee

    How do you get them out? Won’t they get stuck if they’re smooth and no string??

    • Apparently they have a hole drilled through the. Shiva says you can thread “unwaxed floss” (string??) through them. Like a rock tampon?

  • And it’s not even April Fool’s Day, Gwyneth! She clearly has more money than sense!

  • She’s really very nutty that Gwenny.

  • Honestly why can’t she just do kegels at the bus stop like the rest of us…??

  • Bahahaha! What will be next!?!

  • Hmmm …… I can’t believe there are people who actually do what Gwyneth suggests! They must have rocks in their head as well as you know where!

    • When I checked yesterday, Goop was sold out of vagina eggs!

  • TeganMC

    Finally a product that can help detox my vagina. That’s my first new years resolution checked off. Next I’ll be banging my head against a wall to enter a higher state of being. I can’t wait!

  • writeofthemiddle

    OMG – to think my vagina is most likely deformed and out of shape because I was not informed by someone in the know like Queen Gwenyth that I should have a rock in my sacred place to keep it in shape for my emperor. Throwing myself on the floor in despair!!

  • LOL! Yes, your eggcelent post is a little bit different to my eggcelent post. I love that we are both eggcelent today though.

  • Some of the Real Housewives of Atlanta had a go a couple of episodes back! They seemed to rate it but again, I’m not sure I trust their endorsement

  • Is this a joke? OMG. Every week I hear something new that women are doing to their vaginas. Doesn’t the vagina detoxify itself… I’m sure I read that somewhere. Gwyneth is a weird bird. With the vag steaming and now these eggs. I guess she can’t have her eggs all in one basket. HAHAHA. Pardon the pun!!

  • Dafuq is wrong with the world lol. I will certainly not be putting any eggs in my vagina any time soon.

  • Bahahaha, anyone who listens to and takes Paltrow’s lifestyle ‘advice’ deserves to be ripped off to the tune of an expensive muff rock.

  • Lauren Threadgate

    Oh dear I’m afraid this is the type of scam people get involved in when they have more dollars than sense

  • From her movies she seems like a really cool chick. Someone who gets all the guys – Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, Chris Martin (good resume), has great celeb pals, stunning houses, cute kids, amazing hair etc etc but WHY FOR LOVE OF GOD would you take her whack lifestyle advice? Is there a team Gynnie out htere that meet with her and think up this crazy shit to keep her in the headlines? Such a shame celebs go weird. Next step is Scientology I’m sure!! lol! #teamIBOT

  • Hahaha! Can’t wait what she’ll sell us next! 🤗 Vajayjays are self-cleaning (unless there’s really an infection down there) and Kegel’s are the way to go for strengthening the pelvic floor according to medical books.

    Jacq
    jacqwritesworld.com

  • I can count the things that go up my vajayjay on one hand and rocks are not on it! EW.

  • Oh to have been a fly on the wall of the focus group or Goop meeting that approved the sale of these! Any chance they sell things like this as a crazy joke just to see if people will actually buy them?!