A while back, Gwyneth Paltrow had eyes rolling across the globe when she endorsed the practice of steaming one’s vagina in the interests of, um, health? Actual women’s health experts advised against the practice because, not surprisingly, sitting your bits over a herbal steam does not cleanse the womb as Gwynnie claimed. In fact, there’s no need to try to steam clean your lady bits. In the words of board certified OB/GYN Jen Gunter: “Think of it like a self-cleaning oven.”

Why Do People Listen To Celebrities?

When it comes to your health, we humans seem to love a self-appointed expert. Especially celebrities. What is it about actors in particular that makes people feel they are authorities on things they aren’t qualified for? To be fair, I don’t know that there is a qualification for “lifestyle guru” but that in itself should tell us something. Gwyneth Paltrow is an actor and a pretty good one. Maybe that’s why people listen to her; she’s paid to be convincing. She’s literally won awards for pretending to be someone she is not- that’s how good she is at it.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Not A Gynecologist

Just so we are 100% clear, I can’t find any evidence that Gwyneth Paltrow has studied gynecology. She is not a vagina expert. This is no surprise, considering her endorsement of the “v-steam”. I’d have thought the criticism she received for that particular kerfuffle might have reminded her of this fact and left her to her $60USD  Sex Dust™ sales (interestingly, this is the “brainchild” of someone called Amanda Chantal Bacon, who states she never went to college a day in her life!) and whatever other stuff she sells alongside overpriced clothing and beauty products. But it wasn’t to be.

Introducing the Vagina Egg

Yes, you read that correctly. One of the latest additions to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop store are- GET THIS- egg-shaped pieces of jade or quartz for your vagina. Not content with selling $1785 jackets and various “detox kits”, Goop now stock these egg-shaped rocks to hold in your vagina for…reasons. According to Goop, Chinese “queens” (not Empresses? Empress consorts?) and concubines used then to “stay in shape” for emperors. Apparently, egg-shaped rocks in the vagina lead to better sex, assist in more orgasms, hormone balance and “feminine energy in general”. And yet I can’t find any studies or any medical testimony in regards to the magical powers of jade vagina eggs.

Go figure.

Shiva Rose: Vagina Egg Enthusiast

The Goop website has an interview with actor (i.e. a person paid to convince you they are someone/something they aren’t) Shiva Rose about the wonders of the vagina egg. Goop bills her as a “beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend”. I read it, because research. If you want to subject yourself to it, be my guest. If you don’t have the energy, I’ll summarise. She basically talked about “energy”, cleansing, pre-boiling your egg (I’d recommend cooling before use), keeping your egg on an altar in your “sacred space” (an actual space that isn’t your vagina, presumably between uses), the “power” of crystals, recharging your egg under the light of a full moon and a bunch of other nonsense.

Vagina Egg: Empowering Women?

Shiva Rose and Goop discuss the history of concubines and queens using these to keep their bits toned for the man in their lives, but Rose muses about how the humble vagina egg has ended up empowering women instead. How? By keeping them looking and feeling youthful. Shiva also reckons it makes her more attractive. Vagina eggs= youth and attractiveness. Youth and attractiveness= female empowerment.

Yeah, I’m not seeing it.

I’m Also Not A Gynecologist

Or even an actor. However, I do know that rocks in your vagina won’t “detox” you or “balance hormones”. If you need more detoxing than your liver and kidneys can manage, you should probably be seeking medical attention. Hormonal imbalances are a real thing, too. Usually diagnosed and treated by, you know, actual doctors. I asked around and did some reading and it turns out, popping a rock into your vagina isn’t the accepted treatment for that, either. Vague claims about feminine energy?

Better sex? I dunno. I guess trying not to, erm, lay the egg throughout the day might be like doing your pelvic floor exercises, so there’s that. It’s important to note, though, that you can do pelvic floor exercises without an expensive rock all up in your business!

In short, putting rocks in your vagina, no matter how pretty they might be, doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. There doesn’t seem to be any benefits, I’d have to get an altar and what if it fell out at an inopportune moment? This is one more Gwyneth-endorsed health trend I’ll be ignoring!


#IBOT @ Capturing Life.

Gifs via Giphy, Cover image via Pixabay.

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