Don’t Put That in Your Vagina- A List

Who knew there was a need for another list? If you’d told me that I could potentially have a series on my hands when I first wrote about not putting weird things in your vagina, I’d have laughed. Actually, I thought the vagina steaming and jade eggs would be the end of it. But it wasn’t.


And here we are again.

Parsley- Don’t Put That in Your Vagina

Vaginas are not in need of garnishing. They are not the place for veggies or herbs (Or spices. It should be a given, but… you know).

I want to say that your vagina is not a slow-cooker but essentially, it is. Let that sink in.


You might be wondering why I feel the need to warn you not to season your vagina with parsley. Fair question. Apparently, Marie Claire magazine published an article recommending it. Why? To bring on your period, of course. They claim it can level out your hormonal imbalances, soften your cervix and bring on a period. Which all seems kinda dubious to me. How do you know what dose to use? Is there a way to confirm your hormones are imbalanced? Shouldn’t you see a doctor for that?

The answers are: You don’t. Yes, see your doctor and yes, see your doctor. And if your doctor prescribes parsley instead of a proven medical treatment, please consider finding a new doctor. Parsley-ing your vag is a bad idea. You could introduce bacteria that doesn’t belong there and end up with life threatening infections. Dr Shazia Malik, a Consultant Obstetrician and Gynaecologist , told the Independent that the practice had clear risks and there had even been reported deaths.

Bath Bombs- Please, Don’t Put These in Your Vagina

Lush has a Valentine’s themed bath bomb range out and one of the new bombs is (hilariously) shaped like the eggplant emoji. If you aren’t aware, the veggie emoji is now essentially code for the humble penis. It’s what all the young people (errm, and some not-so-young people) use in their texts and messages instead of cool words like “wang” or “doodle”.  But we have to be clear. The eggplant emoji is a substitute for the penis IN MESSAGES ONLY and NOT IN REAL LIFE!


To be clear, I don’t know if anyone has taken the eggplant bath bomb to the next level, but people being people, it’s possible. Even likely. So likely, in fact, that a Dr Vaness Mackay, a spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, issued a warning against it. I mean, can anyone say yeast infection? Bacterial vaginosis? Good grief! Not to mention that rough texture and the resulting fizz. The FIZZ. Good grief.

The Crystal dildo“Yoni Wand”-  Seriously, Don’t Put That in Your Vagina

Reminiscent of the Jade Vagina Egg, these rock-hard “wands” are designed to look pretty and never let you down. Errhmmm.


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Also reminiscent of the jade egg is the porous nature of many crystals, meaning they can harbour bacteria. There are plenty of other sexy-solo-time accessories out there that are purpose designed and, you know, cleanable. Save the crystals for aligning your chakras, channeling healing energy or some other essentially harmless nonsense.

Douches- Don’t Put These in Your Vagina

Aside from being a favourite insult of mine, douches are a kind of wash that you’re meant to squirt into your bits under the premise of cleaning them. Dr Jen Gunter famously compared the vagina to a self-cleaning oven and, dontcha just love her, she’s right. The vagina has a magical mucous cycle that keeps things tip-top down below. If you have an itch, a bad smell or some other funky issue, you see a doctor. Don’t douche! Some solutions contain antiseptics that can actually cause or worsen irritation. And one of the most common douche recipes I found was essentially diluted vinegar. Yep, the same stuff used in childhood volcano projects.


Personally, I use diluted vinegar to clean glass. Gets that streak-free shine happening. Otherwise, vinegar is good in salads and for pickling stuff. In conclusion, unless your vagina is in need of pickling or is actually a toss salad, keep the vinegar away from it.

Vaginal Detox Pearl- Don’t Put That in Your Vagina or ANYWHERE NEAR IT

These things are truly alarming. A herbal concoction shaped like a small marble, these claim to “detox” your vagina to remove the “imprint” of former lovers from your womb. You insert them into your vagina (they have a long string, like a tampon) and leave them there for DAYS.


There’s a lot to unpack here.

Vaginas clean themselves and do not need to be detoxed. Much like the rest of your body. Your liver and kidneys take care of that for you.

Your lovers, former or current, do not imprint themselves on your womb. It’s not a permanently wet patch of cement for them to draw their initials into. An ex can certainly be a toxic person but not in the sense that you need a product to remove them from your body parts.

The uterus is not an extension of the vagina; it’s closed off by the cervix.

Lastly, you shouldn’t leave anything inside your vagina for days. If tampon package inserts and Dolly Doctor taught us anything, it was that Toxic Shock Syndrome is a very real risk.

If you look at reviews and user experiences for these “pearls”, you can read stories of burning pain, irritation and and worse. People describe losing or shedding their vaginal lining. I’m no doctor but HOLY HELL, how can anyone think that’s a good thing?!

When it comes to vagina care…

It’s really very basic. Mild soap and water for the outside (the labia and vulva) and nothing more than water for the inner parts. No need to flush the vagina with water or anything else. You can safely ignore those flowery scented gels and washes they sell as “intimate” products. Your genitals do not need a faux-floral fragrance to be healthy.

Anything unusual going on downstairs? See a doc or chat to a pharmacist for minor complaints.

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