Your Vagina

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to steam clean it and use it as a rock-holder. She’ll even sell you the rocks! Quack retailers want you to use a ground-up wasp’s nest as a way to clean it. There’s also a variety of sticks you can buy online that claim to cleanse, tighten, revitalise, moisturise and exfoliate if used once a day.

And now, you can buy something that not only makes your vagina ooze glitter but will also make it taste like lollies! What a time to be alive!

All That Glitters is Not Gold

Enter the latest product: Passion Dust. A capsule that you are meant to place in the vagina at least an hour before having sex. It melts, mixing with natural fluids and releasing sparkles to give you a shimmery vag that apparently tastes like lollies. I’m not even sure where to begin with what’s wrong with this picture:

For starters, a glittery fanny is NOT my personal idea of sexy. I’m pretty open-minded, though, so I’m cool with other people having a different spin on that. But you know what else isn’t sexy? “Candy” flavouring. There’s something kind of disturbing about vaginas that taste like Allen’s Party Mix. Again, that’s just my opinion. You do you, right? The third and most unsexy thing about these capsules is the potential for a nice infection. Who knows what conditions these things are made in?

Passion Dust: Because There’s Something Wrong With You

You might wonder how this product is different from other flavoured lubes and things that you’ve been able to buy for years. Honestly, other than the added sparkle effect, it’s not all that different. I wasn’t really all that bothered by Passion Dust until I idly clicked through to their website and came across this line:

“The flavor is sweet like candy but not overly sweet, just enough to make your lover feel that your Yara (water-lady or little butterfly) is what all vaginas are supposed to look, feel and taste like; soft, sweet and magical!”

Yara, water-lady or little butterfly? The word is VAGINA. This is an adult product being marketed towards adults, no? That aside, the implication is right there. It changes the vagina to what it is supposed to look, feel and taste like.  Your vagina is not soft, sweet and magical LIKE IT IS MEANT TO BE. There is obviously something wrong with you! Buy this crap to rectify the situation immediately!

Marketing Insecurities

As women, we are already constantly slammed with beauty and body standards that are impossible for most people to achieve. We see celebrities back to their pre-baby bodies days after giving birth. Women who love their bodies regardless of “imperfections” are seen as subversive, dangerous and ripe for criticism. Something as simple as not shaving your legs is a revolutionary act.

No wonder women are plagued with insecurities about our bodies. Some opportunistic asshats view those insecurities into a market they’re willing to exploit. Making us feel bad about our bodies is how they sell us creams for everything from cellulite to wrinkles. Now, we can add vaginas to the list of body parts we can feel bad about while buying oils, sticks, crystals and who knows what else to improve it.

An oil to “make you feel like a virgin again”? No fucking thanks!

Beyond Sly

It’s pretty damn sly to sell a person a vagina-cleaning product because it implies the level of hygiene they already have in that area is somehow lacking. You might wash your bits in the shower every fucking day but that’s not the same as getting it steam-cleaned, right? And how can washing around the vaginal area with water (as you’re SUPPOSED to do) be as effective as shoving a wasp’s nest up in your business?

And those other products meant to “revitalise”, “tighten” or “rejuvenate”? They imply that the average vagina gets fatigued or loses elasticity and that you need to perform some kind of special maintenance. That’s just not true. If you are experiencing any problems down below, don’t screw around with a vagina stick or wasp nest thingy off the internet! Go and see your doctor!

Vaginas are amazing on their own

There is literally nothing wrong with a healthy vagina in it’s natural state. I’m sick of reading about people selling the idea that a regular vagina needs to be filled with rocks, sticks or even wasp’s nests. It’s a sensitive, efficient body part not a back garden. It doesn’t need to hold rocks or get scoured with a fucking wasp’s nest. Vaginas don’t need special oils, sprays, sticks or capsules to rejuvenate or cleanse them. Let’s save the steam cleaning for the carpet because that’s also something vaginas don’t need.

And yours probably is, too.

And if anyone suggests to you that your vagina isn’t acceptable without flavouring and glitter, I suggest that you tell them to go fuck themselves because that’s probably the only sex they deserve.

#IBOT @ Capturing Life.

Gifs via Giphy.